20 Weeks

Today we had our 20 week ultrasound.  I'm excited to announce that it's a..........
SURPRISE!  We didn't cave and find out, though the temptation was certainly there.  This was an incredible experience and so amazing to think where we were just 51 weeks ago.  So thankful.  So here are the pictures!

Baby playing peek-a-boo.  Hands over face to left, belly to right.

Leg.  Foot to left, knee to right.

This is a favorite of mine.  You can see baby's nose, lips, and mouth above the whitish blob.  Nose to left, mouth to the right.

I desperately wanted a cute profile picture of this little person, but we couldn't get a clear one.  Here is a fuzzy one.

And yes, the hospital even does 4D.  Can't tell who this baby is looking like.

Another 4D, just looks a little skinnier than the one above.

Needless to say, I'm one happy mama!

My Overflowing Heart

Tonight on our way home from our volunteer appreciation evening at church, I was overwhelmed by the feeling that my heart is so full.  I don't love summer (heat and I don't really get along well), but I love summer evenings, and it felt perfect outside this evening.  There are certain nights when I'm riding in the car with my husband and I'm reminded of the evening we drove off on our honeymoon after our wedding.  I remember what we were listening to and I loved that we had just left a party of people who we absolutely love and the feeling that we had so much ahead of us.  I don't think I can accurately describe all the reasons why my heart feels so full and satisfied but maybe some of the magic of it is that it is something that only I can fully grasp and understand.  As I write this, I can feel the baby wriggling and squirming all around and it makes the evening that much more special.  I just feel so blessed.

Amazed

This morning I'm coming off of a great weekend.  We went to Columbus to visit some friends and see a friend who was in town from Florida.  The weekend was way too short and we didn't feel like we had enough time with everyone, but it was refreshing and so nice to see some people we love back in the city where we started our married life together.  Then yesterday we had a great speaker at church and then at DRIVE who really challenged us to be reaching out to our community.  I had felt very at peace yesterday and overwhelmed at the thought that next week we would start our 20th week of pregnancy and be almost to the point when we found out that Grant was no longer alive.

I was going along this morning feeling content, filled, empowered, filled with questions of how, when, where and then I pulled out my 2010 calendar from my desk shelf.  I opened it up to May 2010 and saw the appointment marked in my calendar of the last time we heard Grant's heartbeat.  May 12, 2010.  Immediately, the joy that I had been filled with since my realization yesterday that we'd be 20 weeks along next week was quickly leaving my body.  How could I have been so foolish?  We weren't "out of the woods" yet.  I'm still 18 weeks along, not 20, not past the point of where we know Grant was no longer alive (since we don't know when he died, I would like June 3 to arrive to say for sure that we are past that point).  I opened my email and started to write to a friend of mine.  She would reassure me.  (I'm not proud that my first instinct wasn't to pray and ask God to fill me, to remind me not to be scared, and trust.)  As I was writing the email, I felt the baby flipping and flopping in my belly.  It was light at first and then got much more active.  It was active enough that I sat back in the middle of my writing and put both hands on my belly, only to feel the strongest movement from the outside that I've felt yet.  This was clearly the baby, not something you can blame on weird IBS symptoms.  :)  And then it hit me, in the middle of me trying to get reassurance from a human (a wonderful human who I adore and respect), God reassured me.  He doesn't owe me that.  He doesn't owe me anything. My worry or lack there of shouldn't be dependent on what a friend says to me or how often I feel my baby moving within me.  It should come from my trust that God is in charge, that he has things under control (just as he did last pregnancy even though the outcome was painful), and that I can trust no matter what.  I'm thankful that he doesn't just leave me hanging without reassurance.  I'm thankful that he loves me, and knows this is hard for me.  I'm thankful that he gently, or not so gently as that one powerful move from the baby, reminds me that he has this under control and I can trust him.

I'm sure there will be a next time when I feel uneasy or scared, I mean I'm a mom, but it is my hope that next time my response will be different, not to run to a friend first but to run to him first.  Thank you God for showing me gently that you care for me and I can trust you.