Moved

I'm off work this week and I have many goals for the week.  Goal number one for this winter morning was to sleep until I woke up.  Check!  I planned on going to the post office and then closing myself into my craft room for the day to do the things I love the most, sewing and making cards.

When I got the post office, my mailbox was very full.  I love those days.  One of the items was a small padded envelope from a person that sounded familiar but not someone I knew.  I had the package opened by the time I got to the car because curiosity had taken over.  Had I ordered something from someone and forgotten about it?  Had someone signed me up for some sort of chain mail and I didn't know about it.  What could it be?  When I opened the note it became clear why I knew this woman's name.  She is a friend of a friend of mine and she too lost her first child, a son, this year.  Her note was such an encouragement to me and the things she said touched my heart.  She also included a glass and wire dragonfly with Grant's name and birth date on it with the story of the dragonfly.

Even though I've added tears to a day I thought was going to be tear free, it was such an encouragement.  As humans we like to know that others understand us and get what we are going through.  This connection with a complete stranger encouraged me and reminded me that I'm not alone in this.  Thank you Jessica.

The Longest Shortest Year

Today is the one year anniversary of the day we officially moved into our house.  One year ago we went to bed in our new house for the very first time.  That is so hard to believe. A year seems like such a short period of time for a house to feel so much like home.  But in this last year we've worn in this house like a comfy pair of jeans.

It's been a trying year, a year with lots of happy, lots of sad, and lots of growth.  I'm hopeful that in this next year we will have more stories to share, have more happy than sad, and continue to grow.

Remembering 2010 and Hope for 2011

I had been keeping my eye out for an ornament for our tree to remember Grant and just hadn't found the right one.  Then a few weeks ago I got an email from a really awesome jewelry design company, Lisa Leonard Designs (you should go there once you are done reading this post),with the perfect ornament in it.  So I ordered it.  It came and is PERFECT.  It has his name, the date he was born, and what I think of as a teardrop crystal hanging from the bottom of it.  Once we put the tree up I added it to the tree beside another new ornament I got this year at Countryside Crafts, I liked it because it is pretty and says the word hope on it.  I didn't think much about their placement when I added Grant's ornament, but I love having them beside each other.  Remembering Grant and all that happened in 2010 but hopeful for what is to come in 2011.  Here are a couple pictures of the ornaments. 

Sisters

Today marks six months since Grant was born.  Half a year, wow.  I had a turning point this week.  I feel differently about things and have a new perspective of sorts.  It isn't really even something I can put into words, but I'll try.

I feel hopeful, like I'm able to walk with my head a little higher, excited for what is to come in our future, and thankful, yes thankful, for the growth opportunities I've been given in these last six months.  I don't feel that I've reached perfection, that's silly and won't ever happen.  But I do feel that I've reached a new maturity.  I've learned to be more gracious towards people who, at the heart of it, mean well but don't necessarily use discretion when they speak.  It is freeing to not take offense when people say or do hurtful things.  I'm a friendship person.  I've always loved having friends from all areas of my life.  But now, my friendships are deeper, truer, and stronger than ever before.  My relationship with Josh is stronger and I notice his interactions with children are different.  Perhaps it is just that he is getting older, but I see a difference in the way he interacts with children in the last six months and it makes me so excited to see him as daddy.

One relationship I must highlight that has deepened for me is my relationship with my sister-in-law, Sarah.  We've always had a good relationship.  She is sweet and just easy to like.  We found out we were pregnant a week apart and were baffled by what we knew was a God thing.   It was fun to go through our pregnancies together and share experiences.  We had our twenty week ultrasounds on the same day, that was the day that they found out they were having a boy and we found out that Grant had died.  At that moment, what felt like a God thing for five months, felt so odd.  Why would this have happened?  Maybe it wasn't a God thing.  In the six months that have passed since June 3, I've realized (and I'd say it is safe to say the same for her), that it was a God thing.  A relationship that was pretty good to begin with has grown to a place I didn't think was possible.  I sort of feel like on June 3, the day that my life changed so drastically, my sister-in-law became my sister.  In the past six months, I've been so blessed by my relationship with her, by her willingness to share with me about her pregnancy while being sensitive to my hurt, the way she has allowed me to be involved in August's life since he was born, and the complete honesty we've been able to share.  I don't have any sisters and while I have a lot of sister-like friends, this relationship with Sarah has been very unique.  I often marvel at where we are in our relationship and is common for me to say to her, ok, I know I say this a lot, but I'm so thankful for you and our relationship.  It is my hope that it just keeps getting sweeter.

So were we wrong to believe that God was doing something back in February when we were so in awe of this coincidence?  Not at all.  Did things turn out the way I would've chosen?  Not at all.  Am I thankful for the way things have turned out, even though I've had to go through a lot of pain?  Absolutely.

I love you Sarah.

Grant's Tree Ready For Christmas

Josh and my dad put lights on Grant's tree today.  It looks delightful out my kitchen window. 

Not Alone

Sometimes I'm just amazed (I really shouldn't be anymore) at how God provides opportunities for me to connect with other women.  And usually it is right at a time when I need connection, encouragement, and to battle the feeling of being alone.  While I was at my conference for work I had the opportunity to talk to two different women at two separate times.  Turns out that each of these women had two miscarriages.  Now, it isn't as if they just walked up to me and said, hey I had a couple of miscarriages.  One was familiar with my story and came up to me to see how I was doing.  Through talking about the journey I've been on the last five and a half months, she told me that she had experienced two miscarriages this year (she is pregnant now and things seem to be going well).  The other had shared something that was going on with her little girl.  I had followed up with her via email and felt strongly that I was supposed to share my story with her.  Through that she told me that she also had lost two babies.  It is amazing to me how complete strangers can be connected to one another through common bonds.  I don't know these women well.  I really could only tell you their names and what they look like.  That is about it.  But I was so encouraged to be connected with women who understood my hurt.

So often, losing a baby isn't talked about.  It is so easy to feel completely alone.  Like I'm the only one going through it.  Like I'm the only one to struggle with the in between, the time waiting to get pregnant again.  But that is a lie.  I know that I'm not alone because God is with me.  I've read his promises over and over again.  I know that he is the lifter of my head and that he is in control.  But it is also such an encouragement to know that there are others who have also gone what I've gone through, women who have been bold enough to share their stories so that they could encourage other women.  I want to be one of those women who can share my story and help other women know that they are not alone.

While I Have a Moment

While I have a moment, I wanted to share where I am right this very second.  Not my physical location, though I'm in Denver, thanks for asking.  :)  Right now I am fighting.  Fighting the urge to want to hit fast forward.  To hit fast forward and end up in a different time in my life.  A moment where I'm back home sewing the binding on the quilts I recently quilted, spending time with my Josh and my Jersey (that is our 4 year old lab), and wearing sweatpants.  :)  Or a time when I can announce the world that I'm pregnant again.  Or a time when we get to bring a baby home from the hospital. A time when this season is behind me.  


BUT, I can't and I know that really I don't want to do that.  I don't want to miss out on today, on now, even if it is hard.  If you would, please pray for me and my contentment during the now.  I know that God has and can use me during this time of transition.  So I will wait and I'll put down the remote.

Winner Fall Apron Giveaway

And the winner is!

mhz said...

I have a friend who lives daily with the fact that she has to bear all responsibilities for her husband and herself(his heart attack has left him with numerous neurological and physical handicaps)---they are both believers as a result of all they struggle with---but are cheerful most of the time and go on with life. Jackie loves clothes, esp. vintage, and she has a whole collection of aprons, which she USES! I would love to give her one of yours! If I don't win the give-away I want to buy one for her for Christmas! 

Thanks everyone for your comments!  Lets do it again soon!

The Gift of Time

So I've been running around like a mad woman trying to keep up with all I have to do for work, going on a work trip, and life in general.  I was all pumped for announcing a winner of my giveaway today (even made a Facebook post about getting your comments in by noon today) when I realized that it is Tuesday not Wednesday.  So in a way, I've been given the gift of time.  Wonder what I'll do with all this extra time?  haha.

So anyway, you can comment on the apron giveaway post until noon tomorrow for a chance to win it.  I've appreciated the comments everyone has made so far!

Time Goes On, It Always Does

It is a chilly but sunny fall afternoon.  I'm sitting here listening to my JJ Heller album and I just sent the Do Not Worry section of Matthew 6 to a friend.  Then all of the sudden I was struck with a peace and truth that I know.  Everything will be ok and not only ok but things will be great!  God has plans for my life that are going to blow me away.

You see, I've spent much of the last few days feeling overwhelmed and weighed down by: my busy work schedule (it is busy, I'm not over-exaggerating), dealing withe rude people at work (not coworkers, the people that we serve), a million people I want to spend time with, see and care for (ok, that is an over-exaggeration, it is really a thousand ;) ), and preparing myself mentally if we are not pregnant again another month.

But the truth is that time will go on, it always does.  That is the interesting thing about time, if we are enjoying a time in our lives, it moves on and if we are having a rough patch, time also goes on.  Today marks 5 months since Grant was born.  5 months, the same amount of time I carried him.  Ok, the point of that was not to be a sad moment, just to point out the reality of time.  It moves on, whether we want to hold on to it or push it away, it moves on.  In 17 days I'll be home from my work conference and it will be over for another year.  Soon it will be Christmas and I'll be less "stressed" and able to absorb the wonder and magic of the season.  But I don't want to be so focused on the next thing that I miss the moment.

So, right now, I'm going to bask in the wonder that God has a plan and nothing surprises him.  Though I may be "stressed" for the moment, it won't stick around forever, time will go on.  And in a short while, I'll be in a different place, a place I can appreciate more because of where I was before that.

Fall Apron Giveaway

So many of you know that I love to sew.  This summer/fall, one of my projects has been apron making.  They are good shorter projects (shorter than making a quilt) and were really good for me to focus on while going through the grieving process.  A lot of the big blogs I follow do giveaways, so I thought I'd do my first (and maybe only) giveaway.  Submit a comment to this post, be sure that you include your email address when entering your information so that I can contact you, by Wednesday, November 10 for a chance to win the apron below.  Your comment can be anything (let's keep it positive here people) a fall memory, a comment about my blog, your excitement for the upcoming Christmas season, how your faith is deepening, etc.  Can't wait to see how this goes!

Front

Scallop view

Reverse side

While I'm Waiting

I'd like to thank my friend Jenna for inspiring me this morning and encouraging me.  After reading her blog post this morning, I was really convicted.  So often I want the next thing so badly that I don't bask in the goodness of today.  While I had planned on being a mom with real mommy responsibilities at this present date, I'm not.  But rather than just pine for the day that dream will be reality, I need to really enjoy the place God has me for this season.  It isn't that I don't take time to enjoy life.  I really do enjoy life, I know that I've had more good moments in the almost 5 months since Grant was born than bad.  But that's not what I mean.  I want to spend more time actually acknowledging and being thankful for this time in my life, not merely doing things to take up time until I get to do the job (mommy) that I really want.  Good things off the top of my head: more time with just Josh, being able to sew as much as I want, flexibility to get up and go when I need to, time to give to my new nephew and the other niece and nephew-like little people in my life, and many more.

So rather than just wishing for the next thing and finding things to just "fill" the time, I'm going to live intentionally. It really won't change what I do, but the reward will be greater.  Plus, doesn't time go by faster when you are truly enjoying what you are doing with no reservations?

Quiet in the Chaos

Wow, what a crazy few days.  To highlight a few of the things I'm talking about: my conference for work is less than a month away (oh my, hard to think about cause I have SO much to do still), my handsome nephew was born yesterday (please continue to pray for the little guy as he adjusts to life on the outside :) ), people I love have loved ones who are facing serious health complications, and the list goes on.  Some things are exciting, some are scary, and some are both!  It seems that over and over I have the opportunity to pray for the things that pop up in my life and in the lives of my friends and family.

Things feel almost chaotic this afternoon with the flurry of texts, emails, and phone calls I've gotten today (both for work and my personal life).  Life makes me feel like I'm huffing and puffing to do all that I want to do and to connect with all of the people I want/need to connect with.  YET, I feel an overwhelming quiet peace in the chaos, a contentment that God has me where he wants me in this season.  I keep being reminded that God is faithful and we can depend on him even when we don't understand why things are happening.  I also feel so honored that people feel they can depend on me to listen and to pray.  I'm feeling more and more like me each day but a changed stronger me.  What an honor to be busy for these reasons!  

Beep Beep Beep

Remember when you were a little kid and your mom would set a timer for you to do certain tasks.  For me it was my mom saying I'm going to set the timer for x number of minutes and you need to: clean your room, practice your piano or french horn (should've practiced harder!), or work on some other task that was undesirable until the timer goes off.  I don't remember being put in time out as a child but the same principle applies, you need to stay in time out until the timer goes off.

My handy timer (taken with my phone, sorry for the blur)

There are times that I remind myself of the child version of me.  I have trouble focusing and it is so hard sometimes to do what I have to do when other things seem so much more interesting.  I often set my timer so that I don't get too distracted on my lunch break, to help me tackle a certain task for work (let me just see how much I can get done in 45 minutes of distraction-free work), or to help me with the dreaded task of cleaning my house.  I also sometimes use it for things that I like to do but can only spend a certain amount of time doing like sewing, making cards, or vegging and doing nothing.

It helps to know that, when you are working on something you don't want to do or that takes a lot of effort, there is an end goal.  But sometimes I remind myself of the little kid I used to be when I'm waiting on the figurative timer in my life to go off, like I'm in that part of life when I didn't really understand the concept of time and had to trust that the timer would go off when it was supposed to.  I'm working on the tasks that God has set for me to do, to be patient, to remain faithful, to serve despite difficult circumstances, and to wait on his timing (for so many things).  I don't know when the timer will go off for this season of tasks I've been asked to do and so I keep reminding myself that I have work to do until the timer goes off, is reset, and its time for me to work on something else that has been set before me.

Well, the timer is beeping, time for the next task in my day.

Peace

I wanted to share quickly this morning about the peace I've been feeling.  Last night on our way home from small group, I commented to Josh that I felt so similar to how I did in the moments after Grant was born.  In that moment I felt relieved, exhausted, but at peace.  The struggle of labor and all the emotions with delivering a child that wasn't alive were over and I could rest in knowing that I had done what I needed to do as Grant's mom.

Last night, at the end of a day that I had been anticipating for months not knowing what I should expect for the day, I felt such relief.  I know that we were covered in prayer yesterday because of the peace that I felt throughout the day.  Tears that were cried weren't all consuming, immobilizing tears.  I got so many amazing messages of encouragement from people who care about me.  We got a beautiful plant arrangement, flowers, flowers, and more flowers.  I was able to spend time with friends from out of town and time with friends at small group.  What a way to spend a day that could've been so sad.

I feel peace this morning knowing that God has something big in store for Team D.  That He is going to amaze us  very soon.  I'm not naive enough to believe that the world is going to be all sunshine and rainbows from here on out, but I'm encouraged that today is a new day and that new things are coming.

He will give you a crown of beauty instead of ashes, a joy of blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair Isaiah 61:3

A letter to my sweet Baby D

Dear Grant,
This morning, as I sit in the quiet of my favorite part of the day, I'm thinking of you.  Today is your due date.  I know that doesn't mean that this is the day that we definitely would've met you, but it is the date I will forever associate with you.

We found out about you on Valentine's Day before church.  Your daddy and I could barely contain our smiles as we walked into church with our exciting secret.  I'm fairly certain that our feet didn't even touch the ground that day.  We were so excited to tell your grandparents about you and we tried to think of clever ways to let them know the big news.

A week later we found out the exciting news that you would be set to get a cousin due on October 24.  How incredible for you to be able to not only have a cousin close in age to you but only days older or younger.  The excitement built as your Aunt Sarah and I got to dream about our babies together.

The following weeks were filled with a flurry of emotion (and a lot of your dad bringing me ginger ale and saltines) we experienced extreme happiness and the normal worries than any new mom experiences, I just wanted everything to be ok.  On March 24, we heard the most incredible sound we had ever heard before, your little heartbeat.  It sounded like a little clock.  We recorded it on our phone so that we could share it with our family.  Ok, lets be honest I probably shared it with a lot of other people too, I'm not sure how amused random people in the grocery store were when I made them listen to it.  hehe

I loved dreaming about you, asking your dad over and over if he thought you'd be a boy or a girl (and let me tell you he humored me every time and answered even on the bajillionth time I asked), and going over names to find the perfect ones that fit.

April 14 we saw you on an ultrasound.  It was amazing.  We wanted to go to the hospital to have it done so we'd get the big pictures instead of the flimsy tissue paper-like ones.  Another day marked with excitement and anticipation for your fall arrival.

Not too long after that I became noticeably pregnant and I loved every minute of it.  I loved showing my bump off because I got to show you off.  Your dad would talk to you and make me laugh as he did.

We were so in love with you and the only things that we knew about you were that we had heard your heartbeat (the sweetest sound in the world) and that you were in there.  Such a strange thing to be in love with someone you know so little about.

Moving forward to the hard part.  After spending 20 weeks 6 days with you, we found out that something had happened and that you were no longer alive.  We could hardly believe the news and we were so sad.  There are so many times where I have had to give the guilty feeling of "how did I not know" back to God because he is better equipped to carry that than I am.

You were born on June 3, a Thursday, a very brave Thursday.  After a whirlwind of extreme sadness and labor there was relief.  I felt such peace when I got to see you.  We were surprised to learn you were a boy, though I think I would've been surprised either way.  We only had one boy name picked out and we knew it was for you, Grant David.  So much emotion wrapped up into just a few moments as we got to see you (your mother she is an emotional woman, she cries at peanut butter commercials).

At that time I think I really thought that was the end.  You had such a short life on this earth and I can truly say that I enjoyed every moment I had with you.  In the four months since June 3, I've come to realize that wasn't the end of your story, it was merely the beginning or just part of your story.  Grant you have touched so many lives through your story.  It was through our experience with you that your daddy and I came to a deeper, fuller, richer faith and a stronger more rooted relationship with each other.  Really Grant, you brought us closer in every relationship that we have.

As a mom, I dreamed about all the things we'd teach you, the things you'd learn, and I hoped for all of the ways that you'd touch people's lives.  I had hoped that your life on earth would've been long.  I never would've chosen this path for us, for you.  But, I never would've imagined the number of people who have been touched by your short little life, by your story, by the way you changed us, and by the way God has changed us (for the better) through these circumstances.  It is just like God to take a story that I thought was over and continue to use it.

 Today is a Brave Thursday and I'll be thinking of you.  It doesn't have to be a day marked with sadness, though I know it is ok to be sad too.

I love you, I always will.

Love,
Mommy

Team D

6 years ago today I received an email from Josh's mother in response to a short email I sent her to say hi and check in on how she was doing.  In the email she commented on the fall festival held in my hometown, the weather, and included a paragraph on her son.  That paragraph opened with "I have been hinting to our Joshua to e-mail you at Geneva, just to acquaint himself with you, but he said if YOU would write and introduce yourself to him, he'd gladly write back."  My inclination was that I was NOT going to email him.  I didn't want him to think I was stalking him. 

Roughly 30 hours later, I emailed him.  :)  It was a short paragraph saying hi, that I knew his mom, and that I had better get back to writing a paper I was working on.  1 hour and 41 minutes after my introductory email, I received an email back from him, it was much longer than my email (he will always out write me, he's got a lot to say).  And so the email correspondence began, followed by our first date on October 23.  It was a very memorable night complete with going to the book store to look at baby name books so that we could find the perfect name for my 1992 Mercury Sable station wagon (we settled on Edna), Walmart, Target, and topped off with Sheetz.  Maybe someday I'll write about our first impressions of each other and see if I can get Josh on here as a guest writer for his side of the story, I assure you his point of view was very different (ahem *inaccurate* ahem) from mine.  

It didn't take me long to be head over heels for Josh, if you've met him you know why.  We didn't have a fighting break-up kind of relationship.  We just really liked each other, enjoyed each others company and fell in love quickly.  In fall 2005, just a few days over a year after we started talking, I had just come back from a fall break trip with my college friends.  Josh and I hadn't seen each other in over a week and we decided that for a little date  we would carve pumpkins.  Josh had never carved pumpkins before.  We carved them in his parent's garage because it was cold and rainy outside.  Then we took them up to the hill on his parents' land where we would always go to watch the sunset.  Because it was raining he told me to stay in the truck till he lit the pumpkins and then I could come and take pictures of them (I documented everything with photos).  After about 15-20 minutes of Josh messing with the pumpkins (I remember seeing him throwing his head back in frustration as the rain came down sideways and I sat comfortably in the warm truck) he had me walk over to the fire ring  where they were so that I could hold the flashlight and he could light them.  When we got over to the fire ring there were several other pumpkins there that we had not carved together.  He turned them towards me and they read:

Yep, in that order.  They were backwards.  It was more of a statement than a question.  I said, "Are you serious?"  When I saw him down on one knee, I realized he was serious!  I was totally blown away and I had no idea what to say, so I patted him on the head.  After I asked him a few questions like, "Did you ask my parents?" and "How did you do this?" he said,  "Are you going to say yes?  I'm sitting here with my knee in the mud!"  At that point I said, "Yes, yes, yes!"

October 21, 2005 

We've had many adventures in our 6 years together.  If you had told me 6 years ago that I would be married to and due to have our first child on the 6 year anniversary of my first correspondence with this smooth talking Grove City College student, I probably would've laughed.  

Tonight, I called Josh when he was in the woods, he could tell I was having a hard time and offered to come home to spend time with me.  When he got home, he joined me and laid on the floor of Grant's nursery beside me.  He listened to me, offered his advice, and prayed with me.  I am so thankful for the man he is, has become, and will be.  I am so thankful that I get to walk beside him through life.  We are not the same kids pictured above, we've matured, we've grown, we've been stretched, our faith has been strengthened, we've experienced God's grace, and this is only the beginning.  To many more adventures and walking this road with my best friend.

Focus on the Good

In an attempt to focus on the good, I took my camera on a walk to take pictures of my two favorite trees around my house.

I really didn't capture the radiance, but you get the idea.

Again, way more radiant in real life. 

Expectations, Disappointment and Rubber Meets the Road Faith

This morning the glare of my computer screen is making me squint as I look at it through puffy eyes.  Yesterday was one of my lowest days in the four months since Grant was born.  I wasn't sure that I was going to share this yesterday, but today I feel strongly that I'm supposed to share.  I'm not sure if the purpose is just for me to get it out there or if someone else needs to read it, but I feel strongly that I should write it down.  I'm going to be honest about my feelings, I know that some of my feelings are just that, feelings, not necessarily what I know to be true.  I hope that makes sense.  

Throughout September I was very hopeful that I would find out this first week of October that I was pregnant.  I thought it would be such a nice treat to find out during, what I knew was probably going to be a difficult month, that we were beginning our journey again.  If I'm completely honest, I thought that it would only be fair that we would find out we were pregnant in October.  Yesterday, it became apparent that this hope, this dream was not going to come true.  I felt devastated, disappointed, and low.  My initial reaction was that I wanted to crawl into a hole.  I'm not sure what kind of hole because I don't really like tight spaces or dirt.

I can't necessarily explain what I was feeling so sad about.  Probably different things at different times.  Another month of waiting.  Not knowing what God's plan is.  Feeling alone in our particular situation.  Sadness that I was "supposed" to meet my son soon and bring him home, but he is no longer alive.  Believing lies that I'll never be a mom.  Stuff like that.  Again, I'm not necessarily proud of some of my feelings, but they are real.

If you know me, you know I like to talk things out.  I attribute the healing I've done through this process first to God's grace, mercy, and unfailing love and second to talking things out.  So I talked.  I typed.  I cried.  I text messaged.  Pretty much covered all the forms of communication I have available to me.  If you know me, I also like to listen.  So I listened as well.  I have so many wise people that I have the pleasure of talking with and knowing.

I'm a dreamer.  But being a dreamer can be hard sometimes (though I wouldn't trade being a dreamer just because it can be disappointing at times).  So often I have (I would venture to say that I'm not the only one), these great elaborate expectations even expectations that are small and don't seem like too much to ask.  When things don't go how I expect them to, it can be devastating.  But the truth is, just having expectations isn't faith.  Saying I believe God is sovereign, that He is in control and still wanting to keep the reigns myself isn't faith.  Placing requirements on God, "Ok God, if you would just make me pregnant before Grant's due date, then I'll be ok and this won't be so bad", isn't faith.  But I don't want to live like this anymore.  I'm not guaranteed anything in this life except that God is faithful, He has a plan, and it is a good plan.  I don't have to understand it to know that it is good.  I want to be in a place where (and clearly I'm not there yet, but I know I can be there and want to be there soon) I can be content knowing that God is in control, that not only will He take care of me, but that he wants to do big things in and through me, and His plan is better than anything I could've fashioned in my dreamer mind.

Half as Hard, Twice as Good

This morning I'm feeling so thankful for sweet friendship, safe place friendship.  Friendship where you can go  honestly and freely to share your joy, excitement, pain, suffering, your need for prayer, and the ugly parts of you that others would judge.  But the most important part of this kind of friendship is that, while you can share the parts of yourself you are not so proud of, you can't stay there because the other person encourages you.  This kind of friend understands your heart, acknowledges your feelings, but doesn't allow you to wallow in negativity.  It isn't always easy to be told you need to change your attitude but being invested in those kind of friendships are so worth it.  Below are lyrics to a Sara Groves song, Twice as Good from her album Fireflies and Songs.  If you don't have it, get it, it is so good.  I downloaded mine from Amazon.com

when I am down and need to cry till morning

I know just where I am going
when I'm in need of sweet commiseration
to speak out loud

raise a glass to friendship and to knowing
you don't have to go alone
we'll raise our hearts to share each others burdens
on this road

with every burden I have carried
with every joy it's understood
life with you is half as hard
and twice as good

with my good news your dancing on the table
babies born to celebration
the joy of life oh what a sweet communion
shared with you

I know we're growing older
can you imagine what that will bring
it's all a mystery to me now
but this one thing

will be half as hard, and twice as good

Rain

I love the rain.  The soaking, cleansing kind of rain.  Especially on a dark morning like this.  Josh has always loved the rain, even when he was in college and he had to walk to classes in it.  I can't say I loved the rain then, I think it just annoyed me because it would get the bottoms of my pants wet and make everything squeaky.  I started loving the rain a few months ago.  The night that I was in labor with Grant, it rained and stormed so hard  and it seemed so fitting for what we were experiencing inside the hospital.  As strange as it may sound, it almost seemed right that it stormed and the sky was angry.  It rained a lot in those first days/week (I'm not exactly sure what the time frame was now, that detail is blurry to me).  I remember reading complaining comments about the rain on Facebook, because not many people love rain in June, but I remember feeling again that it was fitting with how I felt at that time.

This morning, I'm having a good morning.  I was up while it was still dark out (my favorite) and I had time with Josh before he went to work.  But as I'm sitting here at my desk, I can hear the rain coming down in what sounds like waves or sheets and it is comforting to me.  It reminds me of a time that was extremely painful (both physically and emotionally) and while it is not something I want to go through again, it reminds me of that time of connection that I had with Grant.  This morning, that reminder is comforting to me.

Brave Thursday

One of the parts of being pregnant that I loved the most was every Thursday when I would change to a new week in my pregnancy.  Each Thursday I would get an email notification of what milestone my little baby would cross that week.  I realized that there was no way for a website to know exactly what my specific baby was doing but it was neat to know what the baby would be doing at or around that time.  Thursdays were special.

Grant was born on a Thursday.  I'm not sure I really realized that correlation at the time though.

In the weeks after he was born, Thursdays began to be really hard days for me.  Days marked with wondering why this happened to me, feeling I was wronged, and a lot of crying.  I remember one Thursday morning I was talking with my mom before work.  We don't mess around in the morning when we talk.  There is no time for small talk when we have a short period of time to talk before we each have to start working.  A friend of mine had been induced the day before and I was certain she was going to have the baby that day.  

Let me take a second to explain that for me there was a very strange range of emotions that I have felt in regards to the pregnancies of friends who remained pregnant after my baby died.  I guess the best I can explain it, would be a bittersweet feeling.  I have felt so relieved when my friends' babies have been healthy while at the same time feeling so sad at my situation.  I say that to explain that I wasn't feeling jealous of my friend, just feeling that very strange conflict of feelings within that morning.  

So anyway, we were talking about that very strange feeling I had, to be happy for your friend (truly happy) and feel so sad at the same time.  I remember telling my mom that I just didn't understand why this baby couldn't have been born on a Tuesday.  It is then that my mom shared words with me that have changed me.  My mom has this way of letting me know that she's listening and validating my feelings without letting me wallow in my self pity or whatever my negative emotion of the day might be.  I can't remember her exact words, but they went a little something like this.  I understand that Thursdays are hard for you, but maybe you need to think of them in a different way.  We don't know that Grant died on a Thursday, we don't know when he died.  What I do know is this, on a Thursday, you are braver than I have ever seen you.  On a Thursday, Josh was braver than I've ever seen him before.  We all had to be brave that Thursday.  On a Thursday, there was a new beginning, when you were brave for Grant and you did something that was so hard.  So maybe you should think of Thursdays as Brave Thursdays instead.  

I think we all have "Thursdays" in our life.  Those things that we see as something negative instead of seeing them as an opportunity to celebrate, to appreciate the ways that we've been changed because of them.  Changing the painful into a positive requires us to reframe our thinking.  It might mean that we have to stop and listen to what someone else has to say to us about our situation.

Since that time, I've been able to look at Thursdays in a different way.  It isn't always rainbows and butterflies when I think about Thursdays and what they meant to me, but I can look at them and appreciate the work God has done in me.  How he used a Thursday to change me and make me braver than I've ever been.

What is the Thursday in your life?  How can you change your thinking to make it a Brave Thursday?

Willing Loser

I got the chance to catch up with my sister-in-law tonight.  We cover a lot of subjects when we talk and she is such an encouragement to me.  We landed on one subject that has been a recurring one for me in the months since Grant was born (it is always hard for me to decide what I should say about that time, do I refer to it as when Grant was born or when we lost Grant, I never know.  But we didn't lose him, we know where he is, so Josh and I like to refer to it as when he was born).  So often we think we have to have it all together in order to serve, be effective, encourage others, etc.  As my sister-in-law and I agreed tonight, we don't have to have it all together to be effective and we don't want to pretend that we do have it all together.  Throughout the Bible we see ordinary people "losers" as we called them tonight. :) who were effective for the Kingdom because they were willing to be used.  I don't have it all together, I have pain in my life, I mess things up, sometimes I'm downright sloppy with the way I go through life, and I probably never will have it all together, but I want to be a willing loser who is ready to be used by God.

Baby D

I am so excited to join the blogging world.  In the recent months I've been intrigued and inspired by reading the blogs of others.  I've been throwing around the idea of starting a blog for a few weeks now and have had one friend in particular who has been encouraging me to try it out.

So why the title of the blog?  My husband and I found out we were expecting our first baby on Valentine's Day this year.  Our due date was set for October 14 and it was such an exciting time for us.  I've dreamed about being a mommy since I was a little girl and I've always said it is the one thing I've always known I wanted to be.  Soon after finding out we were expecting we started dreaming of names for the baby (we decided we wouldn't find out what we were having and make it a surprise).  At our first appointment we were able to hear the baby's strong heartbeat and had an ultrasound scheduled a few weeks later.  We saw Baby D for the first time in March at 12 weeks.  Once we passed from the first trimester to the second trimester, we were told that our chances of miscarriage went down.  Each week was a new mile marker and I felt more at ease as time went on.  I loved reading the updates from Baby Center telling me what Baby D was doing in there and how the baby was growing and developing.

12 weeks - face

12 weeks - arms

At 20 weeks we had an ultrasound to see how things were going in there and to determine if the placenta-previa I had was still a factor.  I was nervous and excited to see how our baby had grown.  While in the ultrasound room I wasn't really able to see the screen.  We got print outs of a few pictures and honestly, I was a bit disappointed.  I had this idea of bringing home adorable profile pictures of our baby's face but the tech was having trouble getting pictures of the baby due to the position the baby was in.

Josh and I went to lunch and then had an appointment to go over our ultrasound.  We spent the lunch time discussing the fact that while the pictures weren't ideal, we were glad to see our baby again.

We only waited a few minutes in the exam room before the doctor came in.  I honestly don't remember the exact words he said, but I do remember thinking it was the worst practical joke ever.  The doctor explained to us that he had bad news and that our baby was not alive anymore.  I couldn't believe what he was saying and it was clear it wasn't real to Josh either.  It must've been the shock of the moment but I don't remember getting really emotional about it until the ride home.  The doctor explained that I would need to go through labor and delivery very soon.  We decided that we would go home pack our bags for the hospital and go back to the hospital around 4:30 that day.

Grant David was born the next day at 10:52 in the morning.  I really could go on and on with all the details of what occurred in that 24 hour period.  I want to be careful what details I share with the world about that time though.  I will sum it up to say that while the day before when the doctor told me what I would have to do, I thought it was the worst option in the world.  How cruel to make a grieving mother go through labor when her child is no longer alive.  But in the end I realized how important it was for me to do that as Grant's mommy.

It  has been 109 days since that day.  In that time our faith has been increased beyond what we could've imagined.  Our relationships with everyone (and I do mean everyone) in our lives have been strengthened.  We've developed new relationships with people who share similar stories.  We've experienced the power of prayer in a way we'd never experienced it before. I wouldn't have chosen this path on my own.  I still would prefer to be a few weeks from my due date as I originally expected I would be at this point.  However, it has been amazing that this little boy that I didn't know, other than the connection a mother feels with her unborn child, has changed my life so dramatically.  It is my hope that our story, Grant's story, will continue to touch people's lives for years to come.

The purpose of this blog is to share our story of becoming parents and the hope we can have because of God's promises, share things that I find interesting and inspirational (sewing, papercrafting, saving money), and just encouraging people to take nothing for granted.