June 3

June 3.  A day that makes a lump rise up in my throat when I hear it said.  A day that I dread but long for in so many ways.  The day we held our first baby in our arms.  I try to hang on to every memory I have of that day, good and bad and am thankful when I can still recall the events of June 3, 2010.  June 3, a day to be brave. 

It's been 4 years since we held Grant for the first and only time.  So much has happened since that day.  And while that day and that baby boy will forever be a part of us, I'm so thankful that isn't all there is to our story.  I'm not just talking about the fact that we now have two beautiful children, although I'm thankful for them and they have brought so much joy to our home.  You see, June 3, 2010 was a turning point in my faith that required me to put into practice the faith I've professed since I was a little girl.  For me this was the conversion of just believing that God has everything under control to the practice and submission of knowing that only he can sustain me.  Let me not give the impression that this has been an easy process.  This acceptance that I'm not in control wasn't something that I embraced wholeheartedly on June 3.  It has been a continual laying down of my own plans, knowing that he has proved himself time and time again.  It was watching him make opportunities for conversations with friends and even strangers to share my story of loss and grief and hope.  It was trusting that God's timing was best despite my heartache each month when I hoped to be pregnant and found out yet again that I wasn't.  It was trusting that, just because our first baby died, that didn't have to be the way it went for other pregnancies (despite the timing being nearly the same).  I'm not in charge, but I know and trust The One who is.  While it isn't something I ever want to experience again, I will continue to mark June 3 as a day to be brave and remember my God's faithfulness.

Running in the Rain

About 6 weeks ago, I began something that I never thought I'd ever do.  I have hesitated to even share publicly that I was doing this because I figured it would be at that point that I would fall off the wagon and lose all discipline.  But here we go, I have been running, jogging really.  There, I said it.  When my friend approached me about training to do a 5k in the fall, I laughed and thought that was something I could never do.  I've never been a runner or an athlete for that matter.  The most running I've really ever done was the mandatory 4 laps around the track in high school.  The more I thought about her inquiry, the more I thought it would be neat to do this with my friend and 1 year after our babies were born be able to say that we completed a 5k.  So far she and I haven't done any training together (we're hoping to soon), but I've had the privilege of training with Josh and Isaac.  Josh has been a complete encouragement to me through this.  I am trying hard not to downplay what a big deal this is for me because I know for many people a 5k is not a big deal at all.

Today our training included running for 20 minutes with no stops and I was really intimidated by that.  When it came time to run this evening, it was raining off and on and was a bit chilly, so we opted to not bring Isaac along with us.  When we got to the trail, we talked a bit about where we were 2 years ago at that very time (I had just been induced and was about to endure the hardest thing I'd ever done) and marveled at the journey we've been on since that time.  As we ran, the rain picked up and soon it was pouring.  Normally, I'd probably be bitter to have to run  at all let alone run in the rain, but tonight it felt good and right.  I should stop to explain that the night before Grant was born it poured and stormed and it seemed so appropriate to us.  Josh encouraged me every step of the way and the soaking rain also served as an encouragement.  A teeny-tiny fawn crossed over the trail a few yards in front of us; then when we came out of the woods and reached the final turn of our run, we noticed that the sun was shining brightly, the rain had stopped, and there was a double rainbow in the sky.  It seemed so fitting and it was such a blessing to be reminded of God's promises.

I wanted to come up with the perfect thing for us to do this weekend to remember Grant and celebrate what his life has meant to us.  I never would've thought that this year, the most memorable thing I could do was take a run in the rain.

A Weekend to Remember and Celebrate

Tonight the lyrics to I Will Carry You by Selah run through my head.  This weekend marks the two year anniversary of when Grant was born.  It is interesting to be in such a different place this year.  I was pregnant with Isaac last year at this time and I wondered if the pain of remembering would be less sharp when I had a child in my home.  Time and God's grace have certainly dulled the pain of losing our baby, but I'm glad that time hasn't removed  the pain completely.  The pain reminds me of the love we have for him and the journey of faith that we took through such a hard time of our life.  We haven't decided yet how we are going to spend some time remembering and celebrating.  While I'd like to do something creative, I know that it can be something little and still be meaningful.  So as we go into the anniversary I want to remember, I want to feel, and I want to celebrate the work that God has done in allowing our baby's short life to change us and others for the better.

If you aren't familiar with our story, you can begin reading here to get caught up.

Good Intentions

I had the best intentions to write this post about three weeks ago, but other things have continued to come up.  Three weeks ago today, I finished my last day at my job.  Before I was done I had one last phone call to make to a woman in the program that I managed.  I had tried to get a hold of this woman once before earlier in the week and it seemed that we were playing some phone tag.  When I called her back, I almost expected that I'd have to leave another message and that she'd have to talk to someone else at my company if she called back the next day.  To my surprise, she answered.  I clarified a few things that had been miscommunicated to her by another person in the program and she was very vague when she explained that she had some things come up in life that had prevented her from giving her all to the program.  She didn't say what her life situation was but she added that because of a series of events she had been having a hard time and was actually very thankful for her internship with the program that helped her to keep her mind occupied.  I was able to share that I understood that things in life come up and that we understand that as a company as well.  I felt like I should share with her my experience of my boss and my company being so understanding of me after Grant died.  I didn't go into much detail, but I explained that I had lost my baby at 20 weeks pregnancy and that I was so thankful for my company being so understanding that things in life come up and that I was also so thankful for something to occupy my mind during that time.  She was very sincere when she thanked me for sharing.  She then opened up that the thing that had happened to her was that she had also lost a baby.  She seemed encouraged to know that I had been through a similar situation and that I now have a baby boy in my home.  It was a very cool conversation and I really feel like God blessed me with that conversation as my last phone conversation.  I love connecting with people and that program was one of my favorite parts of my job because of the opportunities that I had to make connections with the people in the program.  Each time I'm able to share even a snippet of my story, I feel like it is another way that I'm able to see how Grant's little life is still touching people.

Holy Smokes

I was just doing a bit of work, getting a few things done while all was quiet tonight, when reality hit me.  A week ago I let my boss know that I would be leaving the company I've been working for for five and a half years.  Last week, after lots of prayer and discussion back and forth on the pros and cons of me continuing to work and me quitting, Josh and I finally decided that I'd make the switch and quit my job.  This wasn't a decision that we came to easily.  When I was pregnant with Isaac last summer we had decided that I would quit working but in a twist of events, I ended up deciding to return after my maternity leave to work part time.  It was never my intention to take maternity leave and then ultimately decide to quit, however, I feel very much at peace about this decision.

So tonight after I had done some work, I was trying to think through tasks that I needed to wrap up so they could be passed on when it hit me that my time with my company was coming to an end.  With only 4 working days left, I'm finding myself much more nostalgic about my five and a half years working than I thought I would be.  I remember the day I went in for my interview, there are a lot of similarities between that girl and me, but I've changed so much since that day.  Honestly, I didn't expect to work there for more than six months (I'm not sure my coworkers expected that either).  In my time working there I grew professionally and personally.  I learned how to stick up for myself, how to be more confident, when to speak up, when to swallow my pride and just be kind, how to ask for help on projects, and how to believe in the quality of work that I do.  I also developed lasting memories and friendships with my coworkers.  So I am leaving a job that I never expected to love but really have loved to focus on my dream job.  I'm thankful for this chapter of my life that is quickly coming to a close and I'm looking forward to what this next chapter may bring.

Dream

So last week we went out to eat as a little family.  Up until about 2 weeks ago, each time we'd go out to eat, Isaac would sleep through the entire meal.  Now our little sleepy boy has become much more interested in all that is going on around him and he spends much of our time in a restaurant awake.  This particular night he was being such a good baby and he was giving me charming grins, nose wrinkles, and smiley eyes.  About a half an hour into the meal (and a half an hour into Isaac and I passing grins and coos back and forth), Josh asked me, "What is it like to have a dream and then be able to live that dream everyday?"  Being the smarty pants that I am I responded by saying something like, "I don't know, you tell me."  We chuckled and then I got misty (would you expect anything less?).  The answer is that it is the most amazing thing.  That sentence seems weak, but honestly I can't think of the words to describe how incredibly blessed I feel to be living this dream.  I have always wanted to be a mom and for so long that dream seemed so far away.  Then two years ago, when I found out that I was going to be a mom for the first time, it seemed that my dream was coming true.  I feel strongly that I have been a mom for two years, but I felt a void being a mom who didn't have a child to hold.  It is completely incredible to now be able to live this dream that was placed in my heart at a young age, and I don't want to take a single second for granted.

Happy baby at the restaurant.

Reality Check

I've rewritten this post a bunch of times because I just can't get the words right.  I still feel compelled to share though.  Today started out lovely, with an early lunch date with a new friend.  I am energized by interacting with people and especially with connecting with others one on one.  As the day went on, I allowed doubt and fear creep in and dominate a good third to half of my day (I'm not real good with math, so I'm not sure of the exact percentage).  I think it is so easy to get news that is out of the norm, not even bad news - and let my brain interpret it as the worst news I've ever heard.  I think that it is easy to miss the positive things that are being said when doubt and fear set in, and I momentarily forget the good and the blessings.  Today I did my share of being scared and feeling sorry for myself.  Even after Josh and I talked (it always helps me to talk and talk until I feel better) and my outlook was more positive, I still found myself feeling discouraged.  Then this evening, I was sitting on the couch holding one very tired baby who missed his long nap and I was all of the sudden overwhelmed by the blessings I've experienced in the last year.  Somewhere in between listening to his rhythmic breathing, smelling his sweet baby smell, and gazing on the most precious face that I've ever seen,  I was reminded that the things I tend to allow to defeat me are often very small in the scheme of things.  It also hit me that often when I'm encouraged by an interaction or when I just really feel that I've been able to be part of something that is bigger than myself, I often feel attacked later.  The moment was such a gift, that I took a picture.