While I'm Waiting

I'd like to thank my friend Jenna for inspiring me this morning and encouraging me.  After reading her blog post this morning, I was really convicted.  So often I want the next thing so badly that I don't bask in the goodness of today.  While I had planned on being a mom with real mommy responsibilities at this present date, I'm not.  But rather than just pine for the day that dream will be reality, I need to really enjoy the place God has me for this season.  It isn't that I don't take time to enjoy life.  I really do enjoy life, I know that I've had more good moments in the almost 5 months since Grant was born than bad.  But that's not what I mean.  I want to spend more time actually acknowledging and being thankful for this time in my life, not merely doing things to take up time until I get to do the job (mommy) that I really want.  Good things off the top of my head: more time with just Josh, being able to sew as much as I want, flexibility to get up and go when I need to, time to give to my new nephew and the other niece and nephew-like little people in my life, and many more.

So rather than just wishing for the next thing and finding things to just "fill" the time, I'm going to live intentionally. It really won't change what I do, but the reward will be greater.  Plus, doesn't time go by faster when you are truly enjoying what you are doing with no reservations?

Quiet in the Chaos

Wow, what a crazy few days.  To highlight a few of the things I'm talking about: my conference for work is less than a month away (oh my, hard to think about cause I have SO much to do still), my handsome nephew was born yesterday (please continue to pray for the little guy as he adjusts to life on the outside :) ), people I love have loved ones who are facing serious health complications, and the list goes on.  Some things are exciting, some are scary, and some are both!  It seems that over and over I have the opportunity to pray for the things that pop up in my life and in the lives of my friends and family.

Things feel almost chaotic this afternoon with the flurry of texts, emails, and phone calls I've gotten today (both for work and my personal life).  Life makes me feel like I'm huffing and puffing to do all that I want to do and to connect with all of the people I want/need to connect with.  YET, I feel an overwhelming quiet peace in the chaos, a contentment that God has me where he wants me in this season.  I keep being reminded that God is faithful and we can depend on him even when we don't understand why things are happening.  I also feel so honored that people feel they can depend on me to listen and to pray.  I'm feeling more and more like me each day but a changed stronger me.  What an honor to be busy for these reasons!  

Beep Beep Beep

Remember when you were a little kid and your mom would set a timer for you to do certain tasks.  For me it was my mom saying I'm going to set the timer for x number of minutes and you need to: clean your room, practice your piano or french horn (should've practiced harder!), or work on some other task that was undesirable until the timer goes off.  I don't remember being put in time out as a child but the same principle applies, you need to stay in time out until the timer goes off.

My handy timer (taken with my phone, sorry for the blur)

There are times that I remind myself of the child version of me.  I have trouble focusing and it is so hard sometimes to do what I have to do when other things seem so much more interesting.  I often set my timer so that I don't get too distracted on my lunch break, to help me tackle a certain task for work (let me just see how much I can get done in 45 minutes of distraction-free work), or to help me with the dreaded task of cleaning my house.  I also sometimes use it for things that I like to do but can only spend a certain amount of time doing like sewing, making cards, or vegging and doing nothing.

It helps to know that, when you are working on something you don't want to do or that takes a lot of effort, there is an end goal.  But sometimes I remind myself of the little kid I used to be when I'm waiting on the figurative timer in my life to go off, like I'm in that part of life when I didn't really understand the concept of time and had to trust that the timer would go off when it was supposed to.  I'm working on the tasks that God has set for me to do, to be patient, to remain faithful, to serve despite difficult circumstances, and to wait on his timing (for so many things).  I don't know when the timer will go off for this season of tasks I've been asked to do and so I keep reminding myself that I have work to do until the timer goes off, is reset, and its time for me to work on something else that has been set before me.

Well, the timer is beeping, time for the next task in my day.

Peace

I wanted to share quickly this morning about the peace I've been feeling.  Last night on our way home from small group, I commented to Josh that I felt so similar to how I did in the moments after Grant was born.  In that moment I felt relieved, exhausted, but at peace.  The struggle of labor and all the emotions with delivering a child that wasn't alive were over and I could rest in knowing that I had done what I needed to do as Grant's mom.

Last night, at the end of a day that I had been anticipating for months not knowing what I should expect for the day, I felt such relief.  I know that we were covered in prayer yesterday because of the peace that I felt throughout the day.  Tears that were cried weren't all consuming, immobilizing tears.  I got so many amazing messages of encouragement from people who care about me.  We got a beautiful plant arrangement, flowers, flowers, and more flowers.  I was able to spend time with friends from out of town and time with friends at small group.  What a way to spend a day that could've been so sad.

I feel peace this morning knowing that God has something big in store for Team D.  That He is going to amaze us  very soon.  I'm not naive enough to believe that the world is going to be all sunshine and rainbows from here on out, but I'm encouraged that today is a new day and that new things are coming.

He will give you a crown of beauty instead of ashes, a joy of blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair Isaiah 61:3

A letter to my sweet Baby D

Dear Grant,
This morning, as I sit in the quiet of my favorite part of the day, I'm thinking of you.  Today is your due date.  I know that doesn't mean that this is the day that we definitely would've met you, but it is the date I will forever associate with you.

We found out about you on Valentine's Day before church.  Your daddy and I could barely contain our smiles as we walked into church with our exciting secret.  I'm fairly certain that our feet didn't even touch the ground that day.  We were so excited to tell your grandparents about you and we tried to think of clever ways to let them know the big news.

A week later we found out the exciting news that you would be set to get a cousin due on October 24.  How incredible for you to be able to not only have a cousin close in age to you but only days older or younger.  The excitement built as your Aunt Sarah and I got to dream about our babies together.

The following weeks were filled with a flurry of emotion (and a lot of your dad bringing me ginger ale and saltines) we experienced extreme happiness and the normal worries than any new mom experiences, I just wanted everything to be ok.  On March 24, we heard the most incredible sound we had ever heard before, your little heartbeat.  It sounded like a little clock.  We recorded it on our phone so that we could share it with our family.  Ok, lets be honest I probably shared it with a lot of other people too, I'm not sure how amused random people in the grocery store were when I made them listen to it.  hehe

I loved dreaming about you, asking your dad over and over if he thought you'd be a boy or a girl (and let me tell you he humored me every time and answered even on the bajillionth time I asked), and going over names to find the perfect ones that fit.

April 14 we saw you on an ultrasound.  It was amazing.  We wanted to go to the hospital to have it done so we'd get the big pictures instead of the flimsy tissue paper-like ones.  Another day marked with excitement and anticipation for your fall arrival.

Not too long after that I became noticeably pregnant and I loved every minute of it.  I loved showing my bump off because I got to show you off.  Your dad would talk to you and make me laugh as he did.

We were so in love with you and the only things that we knew about you were that we had heard your heartbeat (the sweetest sound in the world) and that you were in there.  Such a strange thing to be in love with someone you know so little about.

Moving forward to the hard part.  After spending 20 weeks 6 days with you, we found out that something had happened and that you were no longer alive.  We could hardly believe the news and we were so sad.  There are so many times where I have had to give the guilty feeling of "how did I not know" back to God because he is better equipped to carry that than I am.

You were born on June 3, a Thursday, a very brave Thursday.  After a whirlwind of extreme sadness and labor there was relief.  I felt such peace when I got to see you.  We were surprised to learn you were a boy, though I think I would've been surprised either way.  We only had one boy name picked out and we knew it was for you, Grant David.  So much emotion wrapped up into just a few moments as we got to see you (your mother she is an emotional woman, she cries at peanut butter commercials).

At that time I think I really thought that was the end.  You had such a short life on this earth and I can truly say that I enjoyed every moment I had with you.  In the four months since June 3, I've come to realize that wasn't the end of your story, it was merely the beginning or just part of your story.  Grant you have touched so many lives through your story.  It was through our experience with you that your daddy and I came to a deeper, fuller, richer faith and a stronger more rooted relationship with each other.  Really Grant, you brought us closer in every relationship that we have.

As a mom, I dreamed about all the things we'd teach you, the things you'd learn, and I hoped for all of the ways that you'd touch people's lives.  I had hoped that your life on earth would've been long.  I never would've chosen this path for us, for you.  But, I never would've imagined the number of people who have been touched by your short little life, by your story, by the way you changed us, and by the way God has changed us (for the better) through these circumstances.  It is just like God to take a story that I thought was over and continue to use it.

 Today is a Brave Thursday and I'll be thinking of you.  It doesn't have to be a day marked with sadness, though I know it is ok to be sad too.

I love you, I always will.

Love,
Mommy

Team D

6 years ago today I received an email from Josh's mother in response to a short email I sent her to say hi and check in on how she was doing.  In the email she commented on the fall festival held in my hometown, the weather, and included a paragraph on her son.  That paragraph opened with "I have been hinting to our Joshua to e-mail you at Geneva, just to acquaint himself with you, but he said if YOU would write and introduce yourself to him, he'd gladly write back."  My inclination was that I was NOT going to email him.  I didn't want him to think I was stalking him. 

Roughly 30 hours later, I emailed him.  :)  It was a short paragraph saying hi, that I knew his mom, and that I had better get back to writing a paper I was working on.  1 hour and 41 minutes after my introductory email, I received an email back from him, it was much longer than my email (he will always out write me, he's got a lot to say).  And so the email correspondence began, followed by our first date on October 23.  It was a very memorable night complete with going to the book store to look at baby name books so that we could find the perfect name for my 1992 Mercury Sable station wagon (we settled on Edna), Walmart, Target, and topped off with Sheetz.  Maybe someday I'll write about our first impressions of each other and see if I can get Josh on here as a guest writer for his side of the story, I assure you his point of view was very different (ahem *inaccurate* ahem) from mine.  

It didn't take me long to be head over heels for Josh, if you've met him you know why.  We didn't have a fighting break-up kind of relationship.  We just really liked each other, enjoyed each others company and fell in love quickly.  In fall 2005, just a few days over a year after we started talking, I had just come back from a fall break trip with my college friends.  Josh and I hadn't seen each other in over a week and we decided that for a little date  we would carve pumpkins.  Josh had never carved pumpkins before.  We carved them in his parent's garage because it was cold and rainy outside.  Then we took them up to the hill on his parents' land where we would always go to watch the sunset.  Because it was raining he told me to stay in the truck till he lit the pumpkins and then I could come and take pictures of them (I documented everything with photos).  After about 15-20 minutes of Josh messing with the pumpkins (I remember seeing him throwing his head back in frustration as the rain came down sideways and I sat comfortably in the warm truck) he had me walk over to the fire ring  where they were so that I could hold the flashlight and he could light them.  When we got over to the fire ring there were several other pumpkins there that we had not carved together.  He turned them towards me and they read:

Yep, in that order.  They were backwards.  It was more of a statement than a question.  I said, "Are you serious?"  When I saw him down on one knee, I realized he was serious!  I was totally blown away and I had no idea what to say, so I patted him on the head.  After I asked him a few questions like, "Did you ask my parents?" and "How did you do this?" he said,  "Are you going to say yes?  I'm sitting here with my knee in the mud!"  At that point I said, "Yes, yes, yes!"

October 21, 2005 

We've had many adventures in our 6 years together.  If you had told me 6 years ago that I would be married to and due to have our first child on the 6 year anniversary of my first correspondence with this smooth talking Grove City College student, I probably would've laughed.  

Tonight, I called Josh when he was in the woods, he could tell I was having a hard time and offered to come home to spend time with me.  When he got home, he joined me and laid on the floor of Grant's nursery beside me.  He listened to me, offered his advice, and prayed with me.  I am so thankful for the man he is, has become, and will be.  I am so thankful that I get to walk beside him through life.  We are not the same kids pictured above, we've matured, we've grown, we've been stretched, our faith has been strengthened, we've experienced God's grace, and this is only the beginning.  To many more adventures and walking this road with my best friend.

Focus on the Good

In an attempt to focus on the good, I took my camera on a walk to take pictures of my two favorite trees around my house.

I really didn't capture the radiance, but you get the idea.

Again, way more radiant in real life. 

Expectations, Disappointment and Rubber Meets the Road Faith

This morning the glare of my computer screen is making me squint as I look at it through puffy eyes.  Yesterday was one of my lowest days in the four months since Grant was born.  I wasn't sure that I was going to share this yesterday, but today I feel strongly that I'm supposed to share.  I'm not sure if the purpose is just for me to get it out there or if someone else needs to read it, but I feel strongly that I should write it down.  I'm going to be honest about my feelings, I know that some of my feelings are just that, feelings, not necessarily what I know to be true.  I hope that makes sense.  

Throughout September I was very hopeful that I would find out this first week of October that I was pregnant.  I thought it would be such a nice treat to find out during, what I knew was probably going to be a difficult month, that we were beginning our journey again.  If I'm completely honest, I thought that it would only be fair that we would find out we were pregnant in October.  Yesterday, it became apparent that this hope, this dream was not going to come true.  I felt devastated, disappointed, and low.  My initial reaction was that I wanted to crawl into a hole.  I'm not sure what kind of hole because I don't really like tight spaces or dirt.

I can't necessarily explain what I was feeling so sad about.  Probably different things at different times.  Another month of waiting.  Not knowing what God's plan is.  Feeling alone in our particular situation.  Sadness that I was "supposed" to meet my son soon and bring him home, but he is no longer alive.  Believing lies that I'll never be a mom.  Stuff like that.  Again, I'm not necessarily proud of some of my feelings, but they are real.

If you know me, you know I like to talk things out.  I attribute the healing I've done through this process first to God's grace, mercy, and unfailing love and second to talking things out.  So I talked.  I typed.  I cried.  I text messaged.  Pretty much covered all the forms of communication I have available to me.  If you know me, I also like to listen.  So I listened as well.  I have so many wise people that I have the pleasure of talking with and knowing.

I'm a dreamer.  But being a dreamer can be hard sometimes (though I wouldn't trade being a dreamer just because it can be disappointing at times).  So often I have (I would venture to say that I'm not the only one), these great elaborate expectations even expectations that are small and don't seem like too much to ask.  When things don't go how I expect them to, it can be devastating.  But the truth is, just having expectations isn't faith.  Saying I believe God is sovereign, that He is in control and still wanting to keep the reigns myself isn't faith.  Placing requirements on God, "Ok God, if you would just make me pregnant before Grant's due date, then I'll be ok and this won't be so bad", isn't faith.  But I don't want to live like this anymore.  I'm not guaranteed anything in this life except that God is faithful, He has a plan, and it is a good plan.  I don't have to understand it to know that it is good.  I want to be in a place where (and clearly I'm not there yet, but I know I can be there and want to be there soon) I can be content knowing that God is in control, that not only will He take care of me, but that he wants to do big things in and through me, and His plan is better than anything I could've fashioned in my dreamer mind.