Expectations, Disappointment and Rubber Meets the Road Faith

This morning the glare of my computer screen is making me squint as I look at it through puffy eyes.  Yesterday was one of my lowest days in the four months since Grant was born.  I wasn't sure that I was going to share this yesterday, but today I feel strongly that I'm supposed to share.  I'm not sure if the purpose is just for me to get it out there or if someone else needs to read it, but I feel strongly that I should write it down.  I'm going to be honest about my feelings, I know that some of my feelings are just that, feelings, not necessarily what I know to be true.  I hope that makes sense.  

Throughout September I was very hopeful that I would find out this first week of October that I was pregnant.  I thought it would be such a nice treat to find out during, what I knew was probably going to be a difficult month, that we were beginning our journey again.  If I'm completely honest, I thought that it would only be fair that we would find out we were pregnant in October.  Yesterday, it became apparent that this hope, this dream was not going to come true.  I felt devastated, disappointed, and low.  My initial reaction was that I wanted to crawl into a hole.  I'm not sure what kind of hole because I don't really like tight spaces or dirt.

I can't necessarily explain what I was feeling so sad about.  Probably different things at different times.  Another month of waiting.  Not knowing what God's plan is.  Feeling alone in our particular situation.  Sadness that I was "supposed" to meet my son soon and bring him home, but he is no longer alive.  Believing lies that I'll never be a mom.  Stuff like that.  Again, I'm not necessarily proud of some of my feelings, but they are real.

If you know me, you know I like to talk things out.  I attribute the healing I've done through this process first to God's grace, mercy, and unfailing love and second to talking things out.  So I talked.  I typed.  I cried.  I text messaged.  Pretty much covered all the forms of communication I have available to me.  If you know me, I also like to listen.  So I listened as well.  I have so many wise people that I have the pleasure of talking with and knowing.

I'm a dreamer.  But being a dreamer can be hard sometimes (though I wouldn't trade being a dreamer just because it can be disappointing at times).  So often I have (I would venture to say that I'm not the only one), these great elaborate expectations even expectations that are small and don't seem like too much to ask.  When things don't go how I expect them to, it can be devastating.  But the truth is, just having expectations isn't faith.  Saying I believe God is sovereign, that He is in control and still wanting to keep the reigns myself isn't faith.  Placing requirements on God, "Ok God, if you would just make me pregnant before Grant's due date, then I'll be ok and this won't be so bad", isn't faith.  But I don't want to live like this anymore.  I'm not guaranteed anything in this life except that God is faithful, He has a plan, and it is a good plan.  I don't have to understand it to know that it is good.  I want to be in a place where (and clearly I'm not there yet, but I know I can be there and want to be there soon) I can be content knowing that God is in control, that not only will He take care of me, but that he wants to do big things in and through me, and His plan is better than anything I could've fashioned in my dreamer mind.