Theme

God seems to like to show me a theme in my life over and over again.  He seems to like to really drive it home.  Why?  Because I'm dense, unobservant, and I don't get it.  He knows me so well to know how to get my attention.  This week (and off and on for the last 7.5 months) I've been really struggling with but finally able to identify the fact that I'm scared and though I so desperately want to trust Him, I've been holding back.  Holding back because of what?  I don't even know.  Possibly because if I truly trust, I have to take my hands off.  I have to give up the control that I love so much (even though I don't love it, it is stressful).

Yesterday, my very dear friend emailed me and shared her heart with me.  When I emailed her back I shared that I needed prayer.  I wanted to be able to trust the way I have seen her trust in the past months in a particular area.  We have the kind of relationship where we can be the cheerleader for each other, we can support each other, even commiserate with one another, but we never leave the other in that place of potential negativity or self pity.  Because she is an awesome friend who loves me and cares about my heart, my faith, and my relationship with my savior she spelled out for me just how I should go about trusting.  She even numbered the steps for me.  She wasn't telling me what I should do so much as telling me how she does it, how she knows she can trust.  I printed the email and I intend to highlight it.  

Almost right after I read her email, I got a message on Facebook from a person I had contacted the day before.  I had heard her story from a mutual friend and was so touched by it.  She just became a mom and I don't know enough of the details or know her well enough to share her story.  However, she and her husband had experienced a different loss but she knew that she was called to be a mom.  In her message to me she told me, "I know the feeling of waiting to finally become parents and the hard moments when you're unsure when and if it will ever happen."  "it helped to just be real with God in how I was feeling (pain, distrust, questions, etc) and then ultimately be willing to trust him with how he would make us parents."  And there it was again.  Trusting God with what I believe he has called me to, being a mom.  Not knowing how or when but being able to trust him.  

Then, through wandering from Facebook page to Facebook page, (aka Facebook stalking) (come on, you know we all do it, it just feels a little embarrassing to do it)  I happened upon another blog.  This one encouraged me so much.  The story of a family that had a couple miscarriages, began the process of adoption, ended up having a biological baby of their own, and adopting a baby from another country.  Amazing.  Such hope, such a testament to how we (I) can trust that God does have a plan and is trustworthy.

This morning when I woke up I decided to read Psalm 20 because today is January 20th.  Do you know what it said?  I'll tell you:   

May the LORD answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.  May he send you help from the sanctuary and grant you support from Zion.  May he remember all your sacrifices and accept your burnt offerings.  May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.  May we shout for joy over your victory    and lift up our banners in the name of our God.  May the LORD grant all your requests.  Now this I know: The LORD gives victory to his anointed.  He answers him from his heavenly sanctuary with the victorious power of his right hand.  Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.  They are brought to their knees and fall, but we rise up and stand firm.  LORD, give victory to the king!  Answer us when we call!

So here's to trusting, trusting God with the details, and giving up control.  My friend said this to me in her email yesterday and it is so good, "Find freedom in our great God today.  And then let go."