This morning I'm coming off of a great weekend. We went to Columbus to visit some friends and see a friend who was in town from Florida. The weekend was way too short and we didn't feel like we had enough time with everyone, but it was refreshing and so nice to see some people we love back in the city where we started our married life together. Then yesterday we had a great speaker at church and then at DRIVE who really challenged us to be reaching out to our community. I had felt very at peace yesterday and overwhelmed at the thought that next week we would start our 20th week of pregnancy and be almost to the point when we found out that Grant was no longer alive.
I was going along this morning feeling content, filled, empowered, filled with questions of how, when, where and then I pulled out my 2010 calendar from my desk shelf. I opened it up to May 2010 and saw the appointment marked in my calendar of the last time we heard Grant's heartbeat. May 12, 2010. Immediately, the joy that I had been filled with since my realization yesterday that we'd be 20 weeks along next week was quickly leaving my body. How could I have been so foolish? We weren't "out of the woods" yet. I'm still 18 weeks along, not 20, not past the point of where we know Grant was no longer alive (since we don't know when he died, I would like June 3 to arrive to say for sure that we are past that point). I opened my email and started to write to a friend of mine. She would reassure me. (I'm not proud that my first instinct wasn't to pray and ask God to fill me, to remind me not to be scared, and trust.) As I was writing the email, I felt the baby flipping and flopping in my belly. It was light at first and then got much more active. It was active enough that I sat back in the middle of my writing and put both hands on my belly, only to feel the strongest movement from the outside that I've felt yet. This was clearly the baby, not something you can blame on weird IBS symptoms. :) And then it hit me, in the middle of me trying to get reassurance from a human (a wonderful human who I adore and respect), God reassured me. He doesn't owe me that. He doesn't owe me anything. My worry or lack there of shouldn't be dependent on what a friend says to me or how often I feel my baby moving within me. It should come from my trust that God is in charge, that he has things under control (just as he did last pregnancy even though the outcome was painful), and that I can trust no matter what. I'm thankful that he doesn't just leave me hanging without reassurance. I'm thankful that he loves me, and knows this is hard for me. I'm thankful that he gently, or not so gently as that one powerful move from the baby, reminds me that he has this under control and I can trust him.
I'm sure there will be a next time when I feel uneasy or scared, I mean I'm a mom, but it is my hope that next time my response will be different, not to run to a friend first but to run to him first. Thank you God for showing me gently that you care for me and I can trust you.
such a great reminder. i remember being pregnant with owen and having a scare that something might be abnormal from the ultrasound. a friend reminded me that the worry in parenting would never really be over---because there will always be something else. sounds counter-intuitive, but it actually helped me realize that our kids are gifts from God and are in His hands to guide. Our only option is to give it over to Him and, as you said, turn to Him first.
ReplyDeleteCara...God is awesome and His love for you is so overwhelming...so much more than you or I can imagine. He reached down inside of you and said to that baby your momma needs some love. Isn't that just like Him? Its ok that we don't think of Him first: He's still loving and patient and compassionate enough to reminds us anyway. Think of how you feel about your baby...and remember that God's love is way bigger than that for us.
ReplyDeleteI love you girlie...I love to hear your pretty voice singing in my head...I love to watch you smile and raise your hands as you praise the God who created all of us in our momma's bellies.
Oh...speaking of that....this is Kell...iee.
'bemember that??
thank you for being real cara- i find myself doing the same thing more than i like to admit. it is so easy to run to friends for earthly reassurance when He is the one we need to run to. praying that you can find peace and comfort that your little kiddo is in his capable hands.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate your honesty in this post. I was reading in James 1 tonight about perserverance through trials of many kinds. You are, to me, such a beautiful example of this. Keep perservering, my beautiful sister! :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm loving you. God's got you. Can't wait to meet Firepower.
ReplyDeletePeace friend.