Dream

So last week we went out to eat as a little family.  Up until about 2 weeks ago, each time we'd go out to eat, Isaac would sleep through the entire meal.  Now our little sleepy boy has become much more interested in all that is going on around him and he spends much of our time in a restaurant awake.  This particular night he was being such a good baby and he was giving me charming grins, nose wrinkles, and smiley eyes.  About a half an hour into the meal (and a half an hour into Isaac and I passing grins and coos back and forth), Josh asked me, "What is it like to have a dream and then be able to live that dream everyday?"  Being the smarty pants that I am I responded by saying something like, "I don't know, you tell me."  We chuckled and then I got misty (would you expect anything less?).  The answer is that it is the most amazing thing.  That sentence seems weak, but honestly I can't think of the words to describe how incredibly blessed I feel to be living this dream.  I have always wanted to be a mom and for so long that dream seemed so far away.  Then two years ago, when I found out that I was going to be a mom for the first time, it seemed that my dream was coming true.  I feel strongly that I have been a mom for two years, but I felt a void being a mom who didn't have a child to hold.  It is completely incredible to now be able to live this dream that was placed in my heart at a young age, and I don't want to take a single second for granted.

Happy baby at the restaurant.

Reality Check

I've rewritten this post a bunch of times because I just can't get the words right.  I still feel compelled to share though.  Today started out lovely, with an early lunch date with a new friend.  I am energized by interacting with people and especially with connecting with others one on one.  As the day went on, I allowed doubt and fear creep in and dominate a good third to half of my day (I'm not real good with math, so I'm not sure of the exact percentage).  I think it is so easy to get news that is out of the norm, not even bad news - and let my brain interpret it as the worst news I've ever heard.  I think that it is easy to miss the positive things that are being said when doubt and fear set in, and I momentarily forget the good and the blessings.  Today I did my share of being scared and feeling sorry for myself.  Even after Josh and I talked (it always helps me to talk and talk until I feel better) and my outlook was more positive, I still found myself feeling discouraged.  Then this evening, I was sitting on the couch holding one very tired baby who missed his long nap and I was all of the sudden overwhelmed by the blessings I've experienced in the last year.  Somewhere in between listening to his rhythmic breathing, smelling his sweet baby smell, and gazing on the most precious face that I've ever seen,  I was reminded that the things I tend to allow to defeat me are often very small in the scheme of things.  It also hit me that often when I'm encouraged by an interaction or when I just really feel that I've been able to be part of something that is bigger than myself, I often feel attacked later.  The moment was such a gift, that I took a picture.

A day to be thankful

I had a few moments to catch up on some blog reading and got a little inspired to also share a bit from my life.  Today is a chilly, rainy, drink hot chocolate and be thankful for the blessings in your life kind of day.  I just got home from lunch with Josh, my mom and the baby at my favorite local restaurant and when I pulled Isaac out of his car seat he was still snuggly and sleepy.  So I'm just sitting here on the couch listening to the music from a friend's blog and enjoying the occasional sound of Isaac's squeaky binky.  As I sit here, I'm reminded of the blessings of 2011 and how content I feel in this very moment.  I feel like so much of my life I've spent wanting the next thing that I often miss the here and now.  I may have written about that in the past actually.  In the past 12 weeks I've tried so hard to just soak up each moment because I know that my sweet dependent baby will soon be a toddler who doesn't need me the way he does now.

This little boy has already taught me so much in his 12 weeks with us.  I'm so thankful for him and am constantly amazed at how much I love him, it often brings tears to my eyes.  I feel so blessed to be Isaac's mommy and have the opportunity to love him and care for him.

He's Here!

Since the beginning of October, I've had big plans for several blog posts.  It is unfortunate that I can't easily transpose my thoughts into a post and must have the time to type them out to share them.  I wanted to write a post on October 4 about the magic of the last date Josh and I had together before we became parents of a child who lived in our home and was under our care.  We went on a date to one of our favorite restaurants and just enjoyed time together.  We got an appetizer and had delicious meals and (this will sound so cheesy but it is true) the light was coming in the windows at the restaurant in such a way that just made the whole evening seem magical.  I felt so satisfied with the 5 years of marriage that he and I have under our belts pre-children and there was an excitement in the evening knowing that the next day everything was going to change.

We slept for maybe a few hours that night, 4:00 am came bright and early on October 5.  We had to be at the hospital at 5:15 am so that I could be prepped for my c-section.  The baby had decided to stay in the breech position so a c-section had been planned.  I was nervous throughout the morning  but everyone was so nice and did their best to put my mind at ease.  At 8:06 am Isaac David was born weighing 8 lbs 14 oz and 21 inches long with a full head of hair.  My heartburn paid off!  :)

Perhaps in the coming weeks I'll share more details about the days after Isaac's birth.  These past 3 weeks have been amazing.  We may be a little sleepy but we are filled with joy over this little boy.  It is amazing to see Josh in the Daddy role, he is such a good dad and I'm loving my new job as Isaac's mom.

Out of the Blue

This morning I received an email from a dear friend that was a reply to an email conversation we had on February 16.  The first email was from me to her, in it I shared my heart, my fears, my struggles.  I was 6 weeks along in my pregnancy at the time.  

Her email today said:  "I've held on to this email and periodically glanced at it to pray and remind me of your journey through this pregnancy. Now that you are nearly at the end of one journey (and at the beginning of another) I wanted to remind you of it as well. Look at how God has brought you through. Remember how these struggles were big struggles for you at the time. I hope that it brings you peace in knowing that your current struggles will soon be of the past as well. Soon you will be bringing home a beautiful new life. It won't matter how he/she got here. Soon. I love you."

A few days ago, I had cried on the phone to her about the fear of the unknown and all of the things that had been filling my pregnant mind lately.  I'm so thankful for my sweet friend who took the time to look back with me to show me where I've been, where I struggled, and how God has proven himself faithful.  This is such an encouragement to me, now at 36 weeks, as I venture on into the unknown with my mind filled with questions of what might be.  

Maternity Photo Shoot

A few weeks ago, my dear friend Rachel (we went to college together) came to our house to do a maternity photo shoot.  It was an exciting day and I had way more fun than I would've ever imagined.  I also was surprised at the feeling I had during the shoot.  I remember a similar feeling when I was walking down the aisle at my wedding, a feeling like, oh my goodness this day, that I've dreamed about for so long, is finally here.  Not that I had dreamed about a maternity photo shoot forever, but with our journey over the last year and a half the moments to be celebrating what was to come and what is in my belly was a really surreal thing.

Here is a highlight video from our shoot.  Rachel did such a great job!





www.ra-photo.com

What a Journey

So in order to explain my thought process and how I ended up teary eyed looking through pictures on Facebook, I must admit a somewhat vain activity I was partaking in.  You see, I'm terribly tired today.  I'm not trying to complain, but my body hurts so badly and I think I saw more of the night last night than I saw of my eyelids.  My exhaustion made me wonder if 9 week pregnant Cara looked as tired as 34 week pregnant feels.  So I decided to look back through pictures I've posted on Facebook to see if I could tell.  I began flipping through my profile pictures to find the 9 week pregnant version of myself and ended up flipping through a few years worth of profile pictures (see this is where I feel vain for even admitting that I was essentially looking at pictures of myself).  There are a lot of old pictures there, but there are a lot of pictures from the last year. When I saw the ones that were taken after Grant was born, I got sad thinking about how much my heart hurt during that time, but so happy that, amidst the sadness, there was also a lot of true happiness.  Pictures of my brand new nephew (who is so big right now and rapidly approaching his first birthday), pictures of Josh and I on our fall decorated porch, pictures from my cousin Jenny's wedding, and pictures from Christmas (among others, I change my picture frequently).  So many happy things that happened while I was dealing with grief and so desperately wanting there to be life within me again.  Then I found the picture of Josh and I with our nephew August in the I'm going to be a Big Cousin shirt that I made him for our big reveal that we were expecting again.  The tears started again, what had seemed like such a long season of my life, was really a very short season and just like that things were different.

This last 34 weeks has actually gone by so quickly.  I'm amazed each day that there is a person growing in my belly and I'm so excited to meet this little guy or girl.  The the last weeks of pregnancy speeding by, I've been introduced to a new array of emotions, sheer excitement: that this dream, this prayer will be coming to be so quickly, extreme fear: I used to feel like I could be a mom no problem, but now I'm questioning my abilities, bittersweet feelings that this season of it just being Josh and me is coming to close while being excited to start this new chapter, and worry (I can't think of a better word, because it isn't obsessive worry, just curious, I don't know what to expect, will everything be ok worry) about how everything will go down and how this baby will arrive.  So, I'm holding on to the truth that I know that God has this under control, he knows what he is doing, and will give us what we need to flourish through another change of seasons in life.  I'd appreciate your prayers that we could just enjoy these last 6 (or less) weeks until the baby arrives and trust that what will be will be!