A Weekend to Remember and Celebrate

Tonight the lyrics to I Will Carry You by Selah run through my head.  This weekend marks the two year anniversary of when Grant was born.  It is interesting to be in such a different place this year.  I was pregnant with Isaac last year at this time and I wondered if the pain of remembering would be less sharp when I had a child in my home.  Time and God's grace have certainly dulled the pain of losing our baby, but I'm glad that time hasn't removed  the pain completely.  The pain reminds me of the love we have for him and the journey of faith that we took through such a hard time of our life.  We haven't decided yet how we are going to spend some time remembering and celebrating.  While I'd like to do something creative, I know that it can be something little and still be meaningful.  So as we go into the anniversary I want to remember, I want to feel, and I want to celebrate the work that God has done in allowing our baby's short life to change us and others for the better.

If you aren't familiar with our story, you can begin reading here to get caught up.

Good Intentions

I had the best intentions to write this post about three weeks ago, but other things have continued to come up.  Three weeks ago today, I finished my last day at my job.  Before I was done I had one last phone call to make to a woman in the program that I managed.  I had tried to get a hold of this woman once before earlier in the week and it seemed that we were playing some phone tag.  When I called her back, I almost expected that I'd have to leave another message and that she'd have to talk to someone else at my company if she called back the next day.  To my surprise, she answered.  I clarified a few things that had been miscommunicated to her by another person in the program and she was very vague when she explained that she had some things come up in life that had prevented her from giving her all to the program.  She didn't say what her life situation was but she added that because of a series of events she had been having a hard time and was actually very thankful for her internship with the program that helped her to keep her mind occupied.  I was able to share that I understood that things in life come up and that we understand that as a company as well.  I felt like I should share with her my experience of my boss and my company being so understanding of me after Grant died.  I didn't go into much detail, but I explained that I had lost my baby at 20 weeks pregnancy and that I was so thankful for my company being so understanding that things in life come up and that I was also so thankful for something to occupy my mind during that time.  She was very sincere when she thanked me for sharing.  She then opened up that the thing that had happened to her was that she had also lost a baby.  She seemed encouraged to know that I had been through a similar situation and that I now have a baby boy in my home.  It was a very cool conversation and I really feel like God blessed me with that conversation as my last phone conversation.  I love connecting with people and that program was one of my favorite parts of my job because of the opportunities that I had to make connections with the people in the program.  Each time I'm able to share even a snippet of my story, I feel like it is another way that I'm able to see how Grant's little life is still touching people.

Holy Smokes

I was just doing a bit of work, getting a few things done while all was quiet tonight, when reality hit me.  A week ago I let my boss know that I would be leaving the company I've been working for for five and a half years.  Last week, after lots of prayer and discussion back and forth on the pros and cons of me continuing to work and me quitting, Josh and I finally decided that I'd make the switch and quit my job.  This wasn't a decision that we came to easily.  When I was pregnant with Isaac last summer we had decided that I would quit working but in a twist of events, I ended up deciding to return after my maternity leave to work part time.  It was never my intention to take maternity leave and then ultimately decide to quit, however, I feel very much at peace about this decision.

So tonight after I had done some work, I was trying to think through tasks that I needed to wrap up so they could be passed on when it hit me that my time with my company was coming to an end.  With only 4 working days left, I'm finding myself much more nostalgic about my five and a half years working than I thought I would be.  I remember the day I went in for my interview, there are a lot of similarities between that girl and me, but I've changed so much since that day.  Honestly, I didn't expect to work there for more than six months (I'm not sure my coworkers expected that either).  In my time working there I grew professionally and personally.  I learned how to stick up for myself, how to be more confident, when to speak up, when to swallow my pride and just be kind, how to ask for help on projects, and how to believe in the quality of work that I do.  I also developed lasting memories and friendships with my coworkers.  So I am leaving a job that I never expected to love but really have loved to focus on my dream job.  I'm thankful for this chapter of my life that is quickly coming to a close and I'm looking forward to what this next chapter may bring.

Dream

So last week we went out to eat as a little family.  Up until about 2 weeks ago, each time we'd go out to eat, Isaac would sleep through the entire meal.  Now our little sleepy boy has become much more interested in all that is going on around him and he spends much of our time in a restaurant awake.  This particular night he was being such a good baby and he was giving me charming grins, nose wrinkles, and smiley eyes.  About a half an hour into the meal (and a half an hour into Isaac and I passing grins and coos back and forth), Josh asked me, "What is it like to have a dream and then be able to live that dream everyday?"  Being the smarty pants that I am I responded by saying something like, "I don't know, you tell me."  We chuckled and then I got misty (would you expect anything less?).  The answer is that it is the most amazing thing.  That sentence seems weak, but honestly I can't think of the words to describe how incredibly blessed I feel to be living this dream.  I have always wanted to be a mom and for so long that dream seemed so far away.  Then two years ago, when I found out that I was going to be a mom for the first time, it seemed that my dream was coming true.  I feel strongly that I have been a mom for two years, but I felt a void being a mom who didn't have a child to hold.  It is completely incredible to now be able to live this dream that was placed in my heart at a young age, and I don't want to take a single second for granted.

Happy baby at the restaurant.

Reality Check

I've rewritten this post a bunch of times because I just can't get the words right.  I still feel compelled to share though.  Today started out lovely, with an early lunch date with a new friend.  I am energized by interacting with people and especially with connecting with others one on one.  As the day went on, I allowed doubt and fear creep in and dominate a good third to half of my day (I'm not real good with math, so I'm not sure of the exact percentage).  I think it is so easy to get news that is out of the norm, not even bad news - and let my brain interpret it as the worst news I've ever heard.  I think that it is easy to miss the positive things that are being said when doubt and fear set in, and I momentarily forget the good and the blessings.  Today I did my share of being scared and feeling sorry for myself.  Even after Josh and I talked (it always helps me to talk and talk until I feel better) and my outlook was more positive, I still found myself feeling discouraged.  Then this evening, I was sitting on the couch holding one very tired baby who missed his long nap and I was all of the sudden overwhelmed by the blessings I've experienced in the last year.  Somewhere in between listening to his rhythmic breathing, smelling his sweet baby smell, and gazing on the most precious face that I've ever seen,  I was reminded that the things I tend to allow to defeat me are often very small in the scheme of things.  It also hit me that often when I'm encouraged by an interaction or when I just really feel that I've been able to be part of something that is bigger than myself, I often feel attacked later.  The moment was such a gift, that I took a picture.

A day to be thankful

I had a few moments to catch up on some blog reading and got a little inspired to also share a bit from my life.  Today is a chilly, rainy, drink hot chocolate and be thankful for the blessings in your life kind of day.  I just got home from lunch with Josh, my mom and the baby at my favorite local restaurant and when I pulled Isaac out of his car seat he was still snuggly and sleepy.  So I'm just sitting here on the couch listening to the music from a friend's blog and enjoying the occasional sound of Isaac's squeaky binky.  As I sit here, I'm reminded of the blessings of 2011 and how content I feel in this very moment.  I feel like so much of my life I've spent wanting the next thing that I often miss the here and now.  I may have written about that in the past actually.  In the past 12 weeks I've tried so hard to just soak up each moment because I know that my sweet dependent baby will soon be a toddler who doesn't need me the way he does now.

This little boy has already taught me so much in his 12 weeks with us.  I'm so thankful for him and am constantly amazed at how much I love him, it often brings tears to my eyes.  I feel so blessed to be Isaac's mommy and have the opportunity to love him and care for him.

He's Here!

Since the beginning of October, I've had big plans for several blog posts.  It is unfortunate that I can't easily transpose my thoughts into a post and must have the time to type them out to share them.  I wanted to write a post on October 4 about the magic of the last date Josh and I had together before we became parents of a child who lived in our home and was under our care.  We went on a date to one of our favorite restaurants and just enjoyed time together.  We got an appetizer and had delicious meals and (this will sound so cheesy but it is true) the light was coming in the windows at the restaurant in such a way that just made the whole evening seem magical.  I felt so satisfied with the 5 years of marriage that he and I have under our belts pre-children and there was an excitement in the evening knowing that the next day everything was going to change.

We slept for maybe a few hours that night, 4:00 am came bright and early on October 5.  We had to be at the hospital at 5:15 am so that I could be prepped for my c-section.  The baby had decided to stay in the breech position so a c-section had been planned.  I was nervous throughout the morning  but everyone was so nice and did their best to put my mind at ease.  At 8:06 am Isaac David was born weighing 8 lbs 14 oz and 21 inches long with a full head of hair.  My heartburn paid off!  :)

Perhaps in the coming weeks I'll share more details about the days after Isaac's birth.  These past 3 weeks have been amazing.  We may be a little sleepy but we are filled with joy over this little boy.  It is amazing to see Josh in the Daddy role, he is such a good dad and I'm loving my new job as Isaac's mom.