Amazed

This morning I'm coming off of a great weekend.  We went to Columbus to visit some friends and see a friend who was in town from Florida.  The weekend was way too short and we didn't feel like we had enough time with everyone, but it was refreshing and so nice to see some people we love back in the city where we started our married life together.  Then yesterday we had a great speaker at church and then at DRIVE who really challenged us to be reaching out to our community.  I had felt very at peace yesterday and overwhelmed at the thought that next week we would start our 20th week of pregnancy and be almost to the point when we found out that Grant was no longer alive.

I was going along this morning feeling content, filled, empowered, filled with questions of how, when, where and then I pulled out my 2010 calendar from my desk shelf.  I opened it up to May 2010 and saw the appointment marked in my calendar of the last time we heard Grant's heartbeat.  May 12, 2010.  Immediately, the joy that I had been filled with since my realization yesterday that we'd be 20 weeks along next week was quickly leaving my body.  How could I have been so foolish?  We weren't "out of the woods" yet.  I'm still 18 weeks along, not 20, not past the point of where we know Grant was no longer alive (since we don't know when he died, I would like June 3 to arrive to say for sure that we are past that point).  I opened my email and started to write to a friend of mine.  She would reassure me.  (I'm not proud that my first instinct wasn't to pray and ask God to fill me, to remind me not to be scared, and trust.)  As I was writing the email, I felt the baby flipping and flopping in my belly.  It was light at first and then got much more active.  It was active enough that I sat back in the middle of my writing and put both hands on my belly, only to feel the strongest movement from the outside that I've felt yet.  This was clearly the baby, not something you can blame on weird IBS symptoms.  :)  And then it hit me, in the middle of me trying to get reassurance from a human (a wonderful human who I adore and respect), God reassured me.  He doesn't owe me that.  He doesn't owe me anything. My worry or lack there of shouldn't be dependent on what a friend says to me or how often I feel my baby moving within me.  It should come from my trust that God is in charge, that he has things under control (just as he did last pregnancy even though the outcome was painful), and that I can trust no matter what.  I'm thankful that he doesn't just leave me hanging without reassurance.  I'm thankful that he loves me, and knows this is hard for me.  I'm thankful that he gently, or not so gently as that one powerful move from the baby, reminds me that he has this under control and I can trust him.

I'm sure there will be a next time when I feel uneasy or scared, I mean I'm a mom, but it is my hope that next time my response will be different, not to run to a friend first but to run to him first.  Thank you God for showing me gently that you care for me and I can trust you.

11 months

This week I took an impromptu trip to Columbus to see a few friends I had been missing terribly and to meet the new baby girl of my dear friends.  (I can't tell if I sound awkward saying dear friends or not, but they are very dear to my heart).  My cell phone barely holds a charge and I left the "good" charger with Josh and just was going to depend on the one we use in the car.  It is one of those that you have to hold at just the right angle and you can't talk and charge or it will stop charging type of deals.  So I had a lot of time to listen to the music that is in the car.  In the 6-cd changer that we RARELY change, the selection of music goes a little something like this: The Fray (been in there since a year ago when we bought the car), Sarah Groves Christmas album (since Christmas), Casting Crowns Christmas album (also there since Christmas), JJ  Heller Painted Red (There since June), Steven Curtis Chapman Beauty Will Rise (There since June, and JJ Heller When I'm With You (There since I got it this fall).  


So I decided to listen to Steven Curtis Chapman first.  I haven't really listened to this album for months because while it is encouraging, it also makes me sad and makes me think about last June.  I listened to it a ton in June after Grant was born.  I listened to JJ Heller Painted Red next, also an album that I sometimes avoid because of the link it has to last summer and the sorrow I felt.  Sometime while I was listening to these albums I was hit really hard by a few things.  I was hit with the fact that, 11 months ago next week, Grant was born and while I was hopeful, knew the truth that God is faithful, and knew that I wouldn't feel so sad forever, I was hurting.  11 months later, I'm still sad at the loss of my son, but I'm amazed at how far my God has brought me, that I don't carry the sorrow I did before because of the freedom that Jesus offers me and the burdens he carries for me, and that he has created life within me again.  Wow!  I felt so free.  I remember a time when I would sing the lyrics to Back Home by JJ Heller while crying knowing that someday things would be better even though they didn't feel that way then.


JJ Heller Back Home:
Don’t let your eyes get used to darkness
The light is coming soon
Don’t let your heart get used to sadness
Put your hope in what is true

No matter how the wind may blow
It cannot shake the sun
Lay your sorrows on the ground
It’s time to come back home

When the future seems uncertain
Like the coming of a storm
Your loving Father carries his children
When they can’t walk anymore

No matter how the wind may blow
It cannot shake the sun
Lay your sorrows on the ground
It’s time to come back home


Or when I'd sing along to the lyrics to Steven Curtis Chapman's Faithful:
I am broken, I am bleeding, 
I'm scared and I'm confused, 
but You are faithful. 
Yes You are faithful. 
I am weary, unbelieving. 
God please help my unbelief! 
Cuz You are faithful. 
Yes You are faithful. 

I will proclaim it to the world. 
I will declare it to my heart 
And sing it when the sun is shining. 
I will scream it in the dark. 

You are faithful! 
You are faithful! 
When you give and when You take away, 
even then still Your name 
is faithful! 
You are faithful! 
And with everything inside of me, 
I am choosing to believe 
You are faithful. 

I am waiting for the rescue 
that I know is sure to come, 
cuz You are faithful. 
Yes You are faithful. 
I've dropped anchor in Your promises,
and I am holding on,
cuz You are faithful.
God You are faithful.

I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.

You are faithful! 
You are faithful!
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful.

So faithful...

Though I cannot have the answer
that I'm wanting to demand,
I'll remember You are God
and everything is in Your hand.
In Your hands you hold the sun, the moon,
the stars up in the sky,
for the sake of Love, You hung Your own Son
on the cross...to die...

You are faithful...
Yes, You are faithful...
When you give and when You take away,
even then, great is Your faithfulness!
Great is Your faithfulness!

And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful!
Oh, oh, oh...
Oh, oh, oh...
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe...

...You're faithful...

And this week I was able to sing those lyrics and in such a different place. I am just so thankful for that.

As summer approaches and things are starting to remind me of summer, I'm finding myself feeling much more relaxed than I anticipated I would. I feel at peace, not frantic, not consumed with worry that we'll lose this baby too, just thankful knowing that even through a really hard situation God proved himself faithful and he will do it again no matter what the outcome is this time.

Relief

I have been reading a lot of blogs lately but haven't spent much time on mine lately.  I expected to have posted again since our last appointment.  I've been having some pain lately and after some lab work that came back clear, my doctor wanted me to have an ultrasound.  Because they were going to look at everything in that region, I needed to have a full bladder for the ultrasound, 32 oz full to be exact.  I will admit, I was scared going to this ultrasound, just the word ultrasound has been enough to make me very anxious.  Even though I knew that just because we found out that Grant was no longer alive via ultrasound didn't mean that the same thing would happen this time, it has still been a challenge of mine.  I was able to call and text some friends to ask for prayer and Josh came home from work to go to the appointment with me and we were able to pray together, that helped.  We went to the hospital where I'll deliver to have the ultrasound.  This was my first visit to this hospital and I was really pleased with my experience.  The tech seemed sympathetic when I explained why I was nervous and even though she was going to do her exam first and then go over things with the baby with us afterwards, she kindly said right away that she saw the baby wiggling all around in there.  We were able to get a great look at the baby and it's little moving arms, legs, and body.  The heart rate was 150 beats per minute, for those who are trying to predict Firepower's gender and the baby was measuring 15 weeks 2 days ( I will be 15 weeks on Wednesday).

The technician said that the doctor's office will call me to go over results but that she didn't see anything that was alarming or would be causing my pain and she expected that the pain was probably growing pains since the baby is up pretty high.  So here we grow!  So thankful to see our little baby again and the growth he or she has been doing in the last 6 weeks since we last had a peek.  Josh said, no wonder you've been so tired, look at what has happened in there in 6 weeks.  

There were two relieving parts of the day: when we were able to see our baby moving around happily and when I was able to pee after the ultrasound was over.  Ahh relief!

Here are some pictures of the baby.  The face one is a little on the creepy side, but still cute to me.  :)

View from the outside.

The Sweetest Sound

I love music and appreciate many kinds of music.  But the sound I got to hear this morning beats all music as being the sweetest sound in the world (so far) for me.  The sound of our baby's heartbeat.  166 beats per minute of pure sweetness.  I tried to upload the sound file that we recorded, but I couldn't get it to work.  So trust me on this one.  :)  Then after my appointment and a trip to the hospital for blood work, Josh took me to Shreffler's for lunch and a chocolate milkshake.  What a great day!

On the Cusp of Change

Yesterday was Josh's birthday.  So when I got home from practice, we went out to eat at a favorite restaurant of ours.  As we sat there, (after 8 pm) we had the place to ourselves and were able to just talk.  The primary topic of conversation was what to name our little bean.  As we discussed names we liked and gave our reasons for vetoing the names we weren't fond of, I was struck by how much our world will change this fall.  It was such a neat moment to savor, to enjoy the fact that after this fall, we won't dream about the child we will have (until the next little one, but we'll already have one at home at that point).  After this fall it will be different.  If we are out to dinner alone we'll probably discuss our child at some point in the conversation and we'll go pick them up after we are done with our date.

This savory moment made me thankful for two reasons.  1. We've had 5 years of marriage together prior to having children.  We've had so much fun in our 5 years and have had great opportunities to lay a firm foundation for our future family.  We just enjoy each other and things don't get overly complicated in our relationship.  I'm married to my best friend.  2. I was thankful to be able to look to the fall and think about WHEN we have our baby, not IF we have our baby.  I know that in this life there are no guarantees but it was so freeing to be able to trust and hope in that moment that we will be able to meet this baby and bring them home this fall.  This was probably the first moment that I was able to think about my little one and say when not if.

Here's to a week that started out with trusting God and letting go of my fears and apprehensions.  I'm excited to see where it takes me.

The Sweetest Little Wave

On Monday we had our first ultrasound.  I really didn't get many views of the baby but Josh was able to watch the whole time and got to see our baby waving away.  When the ultrasound tech let me see I was able to see our little bean like baby waving.  So cute.

So I would like to introduce to you Firepower Excalibur Chainsaw :)

The giant black blob above the baby is my giant bladder.  It was so full that the tech said, WOAH, your bladder is full!  She wasn't kidding.

And the view from the outside on Monday.

He Loves Me

I love that Josh and I have been married for nearly 5 years and I still am smitten.  I have spent a lot of time on the couch lately because I'm growing a human and I'm tired and woozy a lot.  As I sit and write this, he loaded the dishwasher and ran it (the sink is empty) and he leveled the washer so that it won't sound like a freight train anymore.  I love the ways that he shows me he loves me and I'm thankful.