Just the Two of Us

This month, Josh and I will celebrate our five year anniversary.  I can honestly say that I love him so much more today than I did five years ago (which is a good thing).  I thought I loved him a lot then, but now I really love him.  In five years we've done so much growing together and growing up. Each year I wonder what the next year will hold.  After the hardest year of all, we both feel that we are stronger and better for it.  I think we've also been given a gift in the last year.  Josh and I both say that having lost a child, really brought things into perspective for us.  Little things that would've turned into greater issues aren't big issues and I think we just love each other more as a result of going through life together.  He is just such a great man and I'm so proud to be his wife.  If you don't know him, I wish you did.

I've just felt so fulfilled in our relationship lately.  While I feel like I've failed as a wife in several areas (keeping up with the house, having forethought to plan out meals so we don't eat out as much, etc), Josh never makes me feel like I'm a failure.  He just helps out where he can and doesn't make a big deal about things that aren't important in the grand scheme of things.  I'm so in love with this little person that is growing in my belly, but in the past few days I've felt a little more like, WHAT THE HECK DID WE DO?!  THIS CHILD IS GOING TO DISRUPT OUR FREEDOM, OUR JUST THE TWO OF US, AND THE WAY WE DO THINGS SO WELL. Yes, just like that, a yelling sort of panic.  I broke down and explained my panicked feeling to Josh last night.  He knows my heart.  He knows I've wanted to be a mom forever and that those panicked feelings aren't my true feelings.  He pointed out to me that we have help and plenty of people (family and friends) who will be glad to watch the baby so that we can have us time and that we'll make changes to be a family of three and that will be special too.  I think these feelings are normal when you are on the cusp of change.  

It is a bittersweet thing to know that your life is about to change in a drastic but wonderful way.  I'm so glad that we've had five years together to establish us and really enjoy time as just the two of us, I'm sad to see that chapter close, but I'm excited to see what is in store for our little family of three

Feels Like Christmas...

My heart feels so full right now that I just felt I had to share.  I can't believe it is June 9.  I can't believe I'm 22 weeks along and feeling so much movement from Firepower.  (Seems funny to talk about your sweet little unborn child and call him/her Firepower).  Every time I feel movement I wonder who that little person is and what they'll be like.  So incredible to think about!  I keep thinking back to the way I was feeling this time last year and it is just so different.  I'm so very thankful for what God has done in the last year, what I've seen him doing in and around me in the last few weeks, and I just had to share.  It feels like Christmas inside of my heart (and for those of you who know me, that is a good way for me to be feeling).

Special

I've known that I've had a great sister-in-law since I married into the family.  Since I'm an only child and Josh only has one brother, I was thankful that I genuinely liked and then came to love Josh's brother's wife.  In the past year, my relationship with Sarah has gone from a really good sister-in-law relationship to fantastic and sister-like.  I got this message from Sarah via email late last night.  The letter made me cry and reminded me again how special she is to me.  I love you Sarah.

Dear Grant,

Nearly a year ago, you changed lives. Yes, I know it must seem so strange to you to think that you had such a huge part to play even though your little life was so short, but it's true. Your Mom and Dad are not the same people they were before your brief visit into this world, and they have, in turn, blessed others with the things you taught them. As I write this, I'm thinking about how amazing it is that you never knew what it means to feel pain, to feel sadness, to feel loss. I bet you're looking down wondering why we cry sometimes when we remember you. Well, it's pretty simple: we're sad that we missed out on getting to know you here on earth. But the thing is, life down here is hard, and it's pretty short when it all comes down to it. So I'm looking forward to spending time with you for all of eternity. I'm thinking that it's a good thing we're going to have a lot of time up there because there's a whole bunch of people who want to meet you. (Just remember, I'm your ONLY Aunt, so I should get some kind of priority). The cool thing is that I know you're having a good time up there with Jesus and all of the other babies. Even though I'm crying while I write this to you, these are partially tears of joy.  And so, Grant, I have to thank you for changing me, too.  I can't wait to meet you.

Lots of love,

Aunt Sarah

One year ago today

One year ago today, my life was changed in a way I'd never expected.  One year ago today, I couldn't see past the moment we were in.  One year ago today, my son was born but he wasn't alive.

I know that at the time I probably knew in my mind that everything would be ok (eventually) but my heart hurt so much.  When we arrived home from the hospital I was sad, partly numb, and didn't really know how things could ever be right again.  I remember talking to Josh about how I just wanted this to be in the past, not so fresh, not so stingy.  He reminded me that we would just take it one day at a time, he said, well today is day one, tomorrow will be day two, the next day will be day three, etc and it will get easier.

On that first day home (I went home late on the day he was born), I had no idea what the next year would hold. To recap, it held tears (lots and lots of them), talking and listening, bittersweet feelings at the birth of other children whom I love, disappointment, trust, hope, excitement, a deepened faith, growth, deeper connections, and a new life inside me.  I am absolutely amazed at what an impact Grant's short little life has had on Josh and me as a couple, our families, friends, and even strangers.  I'm thankful for his life, though it was short, it has had an impact.  I wouldn't have chosen this path.  I'm sad that I don't know my son, what his personality would be like, his laughter, his cry, etc, but I am thankful that I am able to tell people about him and how special he is.

One year ago today, I was changed.  I'm so glad for a year of intense growth, deeper relationships, and renewed hope.

Happy Birthday, my sweet Grant David.

20 Weeks

Today we had our 20 week ultrasound.  I'm excited to announce that it's a..........
SURPRISE!  We didn't cave and find out, though the temptation was certainly there.  This was an incredible experience and so amazing to think where we were just 51 weeks ago.  So thankful.  So here are the pictures!

Baby playing peek-a-boo.  Hands over face to left, belly to right.

Leg.  Foot to left, knee to right.

This is a favorite of mine.  You can see baby's nose, lips, and mouth above the whitish blob.  Nose to left, mouth to the right.

I desperately wanted a cute profile picture of this little person, but we couldn't get a clear one.  Here is a fuzzy one.

And yes, the hospital even does 4D.  Can't tell who this baby is looking like.

Another 4D, just looks a little skinnier than the one above.

Needless to say, I'm one happy mama!

My Overflowing Heart

Tonight on our way home from our volunteer appreciation evening at church, I was overwhelmed by the feeling that my heart is so full.  I don't love summer (heat and I don't really get along well), but I love summer evenings, and it felt perfect outside this evening.  There are certain nights when I'm riding in the car with my husband and I'm reminded of the evening we drove off on our honeymoon after our wedding.  I remember what we were listening to and I loved that we had just left a party of people who we absolutely love and the feeling that we had so much ahead of us.  I don't think I can accurately describe all the reasons why my heart feels so full and satisfied but maybe some of the magic of it is that it is something that only I can fully grasp and understand.  As I write this, I can feel the baby wriggling and squirming all around and it makes the evening that much more special.  I just feel so blessed.

Amazed

This morning I'm coming off of a great weekend.  We went to Columbus to visit some friends and see a friend who was in town from Florida.  The weekend was way too short and we didn't feel like we had enough time with everyone, but it was refreshing and so nice to see some people we love back in the city where we started our married life together.  Then yesterday we had a great speaker at church and then at DRIVE who really challenged us to be reaching out to our community.  I had felt very at peace yesterday and overwhelmed at the thought that next week we would start our 20th week of pregnancy and be almost to the point when we found out that Grant was no longer alive.

I was going along this morning feeling content, filled, empowered, filled with questions of how, when, where and then I pulled out my 2010 calendar from my desk shelf.  I opened it up to May 2010 and saw the appointment marked in my calendar of the last time we heard Grant's heartbeat.  May 12, 2010.  Immediately, the joy that I had been filled with since my realization yesterday that we'd be 20 weeks along next week was quickly leaving my body.  How could I have been so foolish?  We weren't "out of the woods" yet.  I'm still 18 weeks along, not 20, not past the point of where we know Grant was no longer alive (since we don't know when he died, I would like June 3 to arrive to say for sure that we are past that point).  I opened my email and started to write to a friend of mine.  She would reassure me.  (I'm not proud that my first instinct wasn't to pray and ask God to fill me, to remind me not to be scared, and trust.)  As I was writing the email, I felt the baby flipping and flopping in my belly.  It was light at first and then got much more active.  It was active enough that I sat back in the middle of my writing and put both hands on my belly, only to feel the strongest movement from the outside that I've felt yet.  This was clearly the baby, not something you can blame on weird IBS symptoms.  :)  And then it hit me, in the middle of me trying to get reassurance from a human (a wonderful human who I adore and respect), God reassured me.  He doesn't owe me that.  He doesn't owe me anything. My worry or lack there of shouldn't be dependent on what a friend says to me or how often I feel my baby moving within me.  It should come from my trust that God is in charge, that he has things under control (just as he did last pregnancy even though the outcome was painful), and that I can trust no matter what.  I'm thankful that he doesn't just leave me hanging without reassurance.  I'm thankful that he loves me, and knows this is hard for me.  I'm thankful that he gently, or not so gently as that one powerful move from the baby, reminds me that he has this under control and I can trust him.

I'm sure there will be a next time when I feel uneasy or scared, I mean I'm a mom, but it is my hope that next time my response will be different, not to run to a friend first but to run to him first.  Thank you God for showing me gently that you care for me and I can trust you.