Another Peek at Firepower

Today we had another ultrasound. The butterflies in my stomach still happen even now, though feeling the baby move while we waited helped to ease the butterflies. So, what did we find out? Our child has a large head, big surprise there considering mommy and daddy have sizeable noggins, but it is proportionate to the rest of it's body. We saw hair on the baby's head.  She couldn't tell if it has hair on the top of it's head but definitely has a band of it around the back of it's head.  :)  While we are 28 weeks today, the baby was measuring between 29-30 weeks. Estimated weight is 3 lbs 1 oz. Josh said that the screen said 3 lbs 1 oz give or take 7 oz. I have no idea what that means for when baby will arrive. I think it means that the baby will arrive when he or she wants to. After we left the hospital, I ran into the mall to pick up a few needed items and bought a Steelers sleeper. So cute! Below are pictures of little baby sweet cheeks. The lumpy things you see in front of it's face are sections of the umbilical cord. What a delightful day!

Responding vs. Reacting

Today I got an email at work that was just rude.  It wasn't directed at me personally, it was the reaction of a person who had been told no and didn't get their way.  So this person decided to spout off their frustration to a person they don't know (me) in the form of a rude email.  I wish that, at the time, I could have looked at this situation with the kind of reason and matter of factness (is that a word?) that I did in retelling the situation right now.  Unfortunately, my response was for my blood to boil and to get really upset.  It isn't fun to get any kind of communication that is addressed to you that then rips apart something you believe in or a policy that you've had to enforce. While I didn't stay upset about this for long, it certainly had a negative affect on me, the way I disrupted my coworkers by being upset about it, and on my husband since he was home and I had to tell him how I'd been wronged.
I think what can be dangerous for me in the way I respond is that there really isn't anything "wrong" with my reaction.  I don't write nasty emails back to the people blasting them for what they said to me.  I'm not rude in my responses to the person at all.  What I feel is wrong about the way I react is the way it changes my attitude, causes me to panic, and causes disruptions for the people in my life.
I don't want this to be my reaction.  I want to, in the moment, be able to be reasonable and not reactionary (like the sender).  I want to be able to brush these kind of things off so that they don't then go on to disrupt the way I do everything else in that day, hour, half an hour, etc and the way I interact with everyone around me that I care about in that day, hour, half an hour, etc.  Or I want to be able to give it time to sit so that I can reevaluate once I've had time to process.  It is my prayer that going forward I'll recognize rude for rude, respond professionally, and move on without letting those little things (and they are little) disrupt the peace.

The Sweet Things

Last night I ambitiously set my alarm for 6:00 am to get a head start on the day.  I then proceeded to play a game on my ipod until it died (probably around midnight or maybe later).  I know, not real smart or productive use of time.  So, this morning, when my alarm went off at 6:00 am I stumbled to find it and turned it off.  Then I rolled to my back for a minute or so only to feel some of the strongest kicks I've felt so far from Firepower.  I love that part of morning.  That time when you are sleepy enough to fall back asleep but awake enough to enjoy the wonderful feeling of the sheets.  I also love getting a connection time with the baby when I'm first waking up.  Josh came in to the bedroom to finish getting ready for work and I was able to somehow communicate to him to come feel the baby (he must understand my groggy morning language well).  Firepower cooperated and gave Josh a good show as well.  Sharing excited glances and laughing together about our little baby that neither of us know a thing about was the perfect start to my day.  Once the kicking backed off, Josh finished getting ready and headed out the door.  It would've been wise for me to get up at that point, but he tucked me all in and packed pillows around me so that I was so comfy, I hated to waste that, so I slept, until 7:40.  :)  If only all Mondays could start as magically.

Just the Two of Us

This month, Josh and I will celebrate our five year anniversary.  I can honestly say that I love him so much more today than I did five years ago (which is a good thing).  I thought I loved him a lot then, but now I really love him.  In five years we've done so much growing together and growing up. Each year I wonder what the next year will hold.  After the hardest year of all, we both feel that we are stronger and better for it.  I think we've also been given a gift in the last year.  Josh and I both say that having lost a child, really brought things into perspective for us.  Little things that would've turned into greater issues aren't big issues and I think we just love each other more as a result of going through life together.  He is just such a great man and I'm so proud to be his wife.  If you don't know him, I wish you did.

I've just felt so fulfilled in our relationship lately.  While I feel like I've failed as a wife in several areas (keeping up with the house, having forethought to plan out meals so we don't eat out as much, etc), Josh never makes me feel like I'm a failure.  He just helps out where he can and doesn't make a big deal about things that aren't important in the grand scheme of things.  I'm so in love with this little person that is growing in my belly, but in the past few days I've felt a little more like, WHAT THE HECK DID WE DO?!  THIS CHILD IS GOING TO DISRUPT OUR FREEDOM, OUR JUST THE TWO OF US, AND THE WAY WE DO THINGS SO WELL. Yes, just like that, a yelling sort of panic.  I broke down and explained my panicked feeling to Josh last night.  He knows my heart.  He knows I've wanted to be a mom forever and that those panicked feelings aren't my true feelings.  He pointed out to me that we have help and plenty of people (family and friends) who will be glad to watch the baby so that we can have us time and that we'll make changes to be a family of three and that will be special too.  I think these feelings are normal when you are on the cusp of change.  

It is a bittersweet thing to know that your life is about to change in a drastic but wonderful way.  I'm so glad that we've had five years together to establish us and really enjoy time as just the two of us, I'm sad to see that chapter close, but I'm excited to see what is in store for our little family of three

Feels Like Christmas...

My heart feels so full right now that I just felt I had to share.  I can't believe it is June 9.  I can't believe I'm 22 weeks along and feeling so much movement from Firepower.  (Seems funny to talk about your sweet little unborn child and call him/her Firepower).  Every time I feel movement I wonder who that little person is and what they'll be like.  So incredible to think about!  I keep thinking back to the way I was feeling this time last year and it is just so different.  I'm so very thankful for what God has done in the last year, what I've seen him doing in and around me in the last few weeks, and I just had to share.  It feels like Christmas inside of my heart (and for those of you who know me, that is a good way for me to be feeling).

Special

I've known that I've had a great sister-in-law since I married into the family.  Since I'm an only child and Josh only has one brother, I was thankful that I genuinely liked and then came to love Josh's brother's wife.  In the past year, my relationship with Sarah has gone from a really good sister-in-law relationship to fantastic and sister-like.  I got this message from Sarah via email late last night.  The letter made me cry and reminded me again how special she is to me.  I love you Sarah.

Dear Grant,

Nearly a year ago, you changed lives. Yes, I know it must seem so strange to you to think that you had such a huge part to play even though your little life was so short, but it's true. Your Mom and Dad are not the same people they were before your brief visit into this world, and they have, in turn, blessed others with the things you taught them. As I write this, I'm thinking about how amazing it is that you never knew what it means to feel pain, to feel sadness, to feel loss. I bet you're looking down wondering why we cry sometimes when we remember you. Well, it's pretty simple: we're sad that we missed out on getting to know you here on earth. But the thing is, life down here is hard, and it's pretty short when it all comes down to it. So I'm looking forward to spending time with you for all of eternity. I'm thinking that it's a good thing we're going to have a lot of time up there because there's a whole bunch of people who want to meet you. (Just remember, I'm your ONLY Aunt, so I should get some kind of priority). The cool thing is that I know you're having a good time up there with Jesus and all of the other babies. Even though I'm crying while I write this to you, these are partially tears of joy.  And so, Grant, I have to thank you for changing me, too.  I can't wait to meet you.

Lots of love,

Aunt Sarah

One year ago today

One year ago today, my life was changed in a way I'd never expected.  One year ago today, I couldn't see past the moment we were in.  One year ago today, my son was born but he wasn't alive.

I know that at the time I probably knew in my mind that everything would be ok (eventually) but my heart hurt so much.  When we arrived home from the hospital I was sad, partly numb, and didn't really know how things could ever be right again.  I remember talking to Josh about how I just wanted this to be in the past, not so fresh, not so stingy.  He reminded me that we would just take it one day at a time, he said, well today is day one, tomorrow will be day two, the next day will be day three, etc and it will get easier.

On that first day home (I went home late on the day he was born), I had no idea what the next year would hold. To recap, it held tears (lots and lots of them), talking and listening, bittersweet feelings at the birth of other children whom I love, disappointment, trust, hope, excitement, a deepened faith, growth, deeper connections, and a new life inside me.  I am absolutely amazed at what an impact Grant's short little life has had on Josh and me as a couple, our families, friends, and even strangers.  I'm thankful for his life, though it was short, it has had an impact.  I wouldn't have chosen this path.  I'm sad that I don't know my son, what his personality would be like, his laughter, his cry, etc, but I am thankful that I am able to tell people about him and how special he is.

One year ago today, I was changed.  I'm so glad for a year of intense growth, deeper relationships, and renewed hope.

Happy Birthday, my sweet Grant David.