Moved

I'm off work this week and I have many goals for the week.  Goal number one for this winter morning was to sleep until I woke up.  Check!  I planned on going to the post office and then closing myself into my craft room for the day to do the things I love the most, sewing and making cards.

When I got the post office, my mailbox was very full.  I love those days.  One of the items was a small padded envelope from a person that sounded familiar but not someone I knew.  I had the package opened by the time I got to the car because curiosity had taken over.  Had I ordered something from someone and forgotten about it?  Had someone signed me up for some sort of chain mail and I didn't know about it.  What could it be?  When I opened the note it became clear why I knew this woman's name.  She is a friend of a friend of mine and she too lost her first child, a son, this year.  Her note was such an encouragement to me and the things she said touched my heart.  She also included a glass and wire dragonfly with Grant's name and birth date on it with the story of the dragonfly.

Even though I've added tears to a day I thought was going to be tear free, it was such an encouragement.  As humans we like to know that others understand us and get what we are going through.  This connection with a complete stranger encouraged me and reminded me that I'm not alone in this.  Thank you Jessica.

The Longest Shortest Year

Today is the one year anniversary of the day we officially moved into our house.  One year ago we went to bed in our new house for the very first time.  That is so hard to believe. A year seems like such a short period of time for a house to feel so much like home.  But in this last year we've worn in this house like a comfy pair of jeans.

It's been a trying year, a year with lots of happy, lots of sad, and lots of growth.  I'm hopeful that in this next year we will have more stories to share, have more happy than sad, and continue to grow.

Remembering 2010 and Hope for 2011

I had been keeping my eye out for an ornament for our tree to remember Grant and just hadn't found the right one.  Then a few weeks ago I got an email from a really awesome jewelry design company, Lisa Leonard Designs (you should go there once you are done reading this post),with the perfect ornament in it.  So I ordered it.  It came and is PERFECT.  It has his name, the date he was born, and what I think of as a teardrop crystal hanging from the bottom of it.  Once we put the tree up I added it to the tree beside another new ornament I got this year at Countryside Crafts, I liked it because it is pretty and says the word hope on it.  I didn't think much about their placement when I added Grant's ornament, but I love having them beside each other.  Remembering Grant and all that happened in 2010 but hopeful for what is to come in 2011.  Here are a couple pictures of the ornaments. 

Sisters

Today marks six months since Grant was born.  Half a year, wow.  I had a turning point this week.  I feel differently about things and have a new perspective of sorts.  It isn't really even something I can put into words, but I'll try.

I feel hopeful, like I'm able to walk with my head a little higher, excited for what is to come in our future, and thankful, yes thankful, for the growth opportunities I've been given in these last six months.  I don't feel that I've reached perfection, that's silly and won't ever happen.  But I do feel that I've reached a new maturity.  I've learned to be more gracious towards people who, at the heart of it, mean well but don't necessarily use discretion when they speak.  It is freeing to not take offense when people say or do hurtful things.  I'm a friendship person.  I've always loved having friends from all areas of my life.  But now, my friendships are deeper, truer, and stronger than ever before.  My relationship with Josh is stronger and I notice his interactions with children are different.  Perhaps it is just that he is getting older, but I see a difference in the way he interacts with children in the last six months and it makes me so excited to see him as daddy.

One relationship I must highlight that has deepened for me is my relationship with my sister-in-law, Sarah.  We've always had a good relationship.  She is sweet and just easy to like.  We found out we were pregnant a week apart and were baffled by what we knew was a God thing.   It was fun to go through our pregnancies together and share experiences.  We had our twenty week ultrasounds on the same day, that was the day that they found out they were having a boy and we found out that Grant had died.  At that moment, what felt like a God thing for five months, felt so odd.  Why would this have happened?  Maybe it wasn't a God thing.  In the six months that have passed since June 3, I've realized (and I'd say it is safe to say the same for her), that it was a God thing.  A relationship that was pretty good to begin with has grown to a place I didn't think was possible.  I sort of feel like on June 3, the day that my life changed so drastically, my sister-in-law became my sister.  In the past six months, I've been so blessed by my relationship with her, by her willingness to share with me about her pregnancy while being sensitive to my hurt, the way she has allowed me to be involved in August's life since he was born, and the complete honesty we've been able to share.  I don't have any sisters and while I have a lot of sister-like friends, this relationship with Sarah has been very unique.  I often marvel at where we are in our relationship and is common for me to say to her, ok, I know I say this a lot, but I'm so thankful for you and our relationship.  It is my hope that it just keeps getting sweeter.

So were we wrong to believe that God was doing something back in February when we were so in awe of this coincidence?  Not at all.  Did things turn out the way I would've chosen?  Not at all.  Am I thankful for the way things have turned out, even though I've had to go through a lot of pain?  Absolutely.

I love you Sarah.

Grant's Tree Ready For Christmas

Josh and my dad put lights on Grant's tree today.  It looks delightful out my kitchen window. 

Not Alone

Sometimes I'm just amazed (I really shouldn't be anymore) at how God provides opportunities for me to connect with other women.  And usually it is right at a time when I need connection, encouragement, and to battle the feeling of being alone.  While I was at my conference for work I had the opportunity to talk to two different women at two separate times.  Turns out that each of these women had two miscarriages.  Now, it isn't as if they just walked up to me and said, hey I had a couple of miscarriages.  One was familiar with my story and came up to me to see how I was doing.  Through talking about the journey I've been on the last five and a half months, she told me that she had experienced two miscarriages this year (she is pregnant now and things seem to be going well).  The other had shared something that was going on with her little girl.  I had followed up with her via email and felt strongly that I was supposed to share my story with her.  Through that she told me that she also had lost two babies.  It is amazing to me how complete strangers can be connected to one another through common bonds.  I don't know these women well.  I really could only tell you their names and what they look like.  That is about it.  But I was so encouraged to be connected with women who understood my hurt.

So often, losing a baby isn't talked about.  It is so easy to feel completely alone.  Like I'm the only one going through it.  Like I'm the only one to struggle with the in between, the time waiting to get pregnant again.  But that is a lie.  I know that I'm not alone because God is with me.  I've read his promises over and over again.  I know that he is the lifter of my head and that he is in control.  But it is also such an encouragement to know that there are others who have also gone what I've gone through, women who have been bold enough to share their stories so that they could encourage other women.  I want to be one of those women who can share my story and help other women know that they are not alone.

While I Have a Moment

While I have a moment, I wanted to share where I am right this very second.  Not my physical location, though I'm in Denver, thanks for asking.  :)  Right now I am fighting.  Fighting the urge to want to hit fast forward.  To hit fast forward and end up in a different time in my life.  A moment where I'm back home sewing the binding on the quilts I recently quilted, spending time with my Josh and my Jersey (that is our 4 year old lab), and wearing sweatpants.  :)  Or a time when I can announce the world that I'm pregnant again.  Or a time when we get to bring a baby home from the hospital. A time when this season is behind me.  


BUT, I can't and I know that really I don't want to do that.  I don't want to miss out on today, on now, even if it is hard.  If you would, please pray for me and my contentment during the now.  I know that God has and can use me during this time of transition.  So I will wait and I'll put down the remote.