1675

Tonight I wandered onto the wedding website that we set up before we got married.  Before our wedding it counted down the days until our wedding and gave our guests information about the big day.  Since the wedding, it has counted the number of days we've been married.  Today, Josh and I have been married 1675 days!  I'm so thankful for those 1675 days and the 618 days from when we started talking until the day we got married.  I really have no point in this post other than to say that the last 1675 days have been the best days of my life.  They haven't all been easy or even happy but they've been rewarding, fulfilling, and driven by commitment.  I'm so thankful for the gift God has given me in Josh, for the role God has called me to in being Josh's wife, and for the journey I've been able to go on with my best friend.  What an honor.

Theme

God seems to like to show me a theme in my life over and over again.  He seems to like to really drive it home.  Why?  Because I'm dense, unobservant, and I don't get it.  He knows me so well to know how to get my attention.  This week (and off and on for the last 7.5 months) I've been really struggling with but finally able to identify the fact that I'm scared and though I so desperately want to trust Him, I've been holding back.  Holding back because of what?  I don't even know.  Possibly because if I truly trust, I have to take my hands off.  I have to give up the control that I love so much (even though I don't love it, it is stressful).

Yesterday, my very dear friend emailed me and shared her heart with me.  When I emailed her back I shared that I needed prayer.  I wanted to be able to trust the way I have seen her trust in the past months in a particular area.  We have the kind of relationship where we can be the cheerleader for each other, we can support each other, even commiserate with one another, but we never leave the other in that place of potential negativity or self pity.  Because she is an awesome friend who loves me and cares about my heart, my faith, and my relationship with my savior she spelled out for me just how I should go about trusting.  She even numbered the steps for me.  She wasn't telling me what I should do so much as telling me how she does it, how she knows she can trust.  I printed the email and I intend to highlight it.  

Almost right after I read her email, I got a message on Facebook from a person I had contacted the day before.  I had heard her story from a mutual friend and was so touched by it.  She just became a mom and I don't know enough of the details or know her well enough to share her story.  However, she and her husband had experienced a different loss but she knew that she was called to be a mom.  In her message to me she told me, "I know the feeling of waiting to finally become parents and the hard moments when you're unsure when and if it will ever happen."  "it helped to just be real with God in how I was feeling (pain, distrust, questions, etc) and then ultimately be willing to trust him with how he would make us parents."  And there it was again.  Trusting God with what I believe he has called me to, being a mom.  Not knowing how or when but being able to trust him.  

Then, through wandering from Facebook page to Facebook page, (aka Facebook stalking) (come on, you know we all do it, it just feels a little embarrassing to do it)  I happened upon another blog.  This one encouraged me so much.  The story of a family that had a couple miscarriages, began the process of adoption, ended up having a biological baby of their own, and adopting a baby from another country.  Amazing.  Such hope, such a testament to how we (I) can trust that God does have a plan and is trustworthy.

This morning when I woke up I decided to read Psalm 20 because today is January 20th.  Do you know what it said?  I'll tell you:   

May the LORD answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.  May he send you help from the sanctuary and grant you support from Zion.  May he remember all your sacrifices and accept your burnt offerings.  May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.  May we shout for joy over your victory    and lift up our banners in the name of our God.  May the LORD grant all your requests.  Now this I know: The LORD gives victory to his anointed.  He answers him from his heavenly sanctuary with the victorious power of his right hand.  Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.  They are brought to their knees and fall, but we rise up and stand firm.  LORD, give victory to the king!  Answer us when we call!

So here's to trusting, trusting God with the details, and giving up control.  My friend said this to me in her email yesterday and it is so good, "Find freedom in our great God today.  And then let go."

Tell Them!

There is something I've been trying to do in the past few months and something I want to carry through 2011.  I'm trying to be intentional when people come to my mind, people coincidentally reappear in my Facebook news feed, or other instances where I'm reminded of someone out of the blue as an opportunity to pray for them and/or let them know that they've come to mind.  We all like to know that someone was thinking of us, especially when it was for a good reason.  

In the last week, I've been blessed on numerous occasions by people who did the same thing.  They took the time to let me know that they'd been thinking about me or provided just the right words of encouragement for me to lift up my spirit.  This morning I'm thankful for those people, their willingness to give their time to write me a message, and for spurring me on to want to do the same thing for others.  

Giveaway Winner

And the winner of the journal giveaway is....

wigclan said...

I love snuggling in on a cold winter's day with the people you love (and lots of cocoa)!

Congratulations!  Let's do it again!

The First Giveaway of 2011!

In an effort to get others to share their story and enjoy life, I decided on this giveaway.......

I took a journal and modified a bit with ribbons and stamps.  Leave a comment telling me what you love today, for a chance to win it.  Please leave your comment today or tomorrow and I'll post a winner on Saturday.

Totally Unexpected

Grief is such a weird thing.  I think I've stated that many times in the last 7 months.  Yes, 7 months, I can't even believe it.

Tonight Josh and I did a warp speed shopping trip to the discount "grocery outlet" nearby, had dinner at my favorite local restaurant, went to Ollie's (another one of my favorite cheap places), and went to Home Depot to look at kitchen counters for the mini kitchen makeover we are planning.  We had a great time.  He always makes me laugh and tonight he was really doing a good job of it.  We were in our little yellow jeep, which is such a good winter vehicle.  It is so cozy inside and we get to sit so much closer than we do in our other vehicle.  It was snowing and the roads weren't great, but I always feel so safe when he drives.  It was a very satisfying evening.

We got home and unloaded the groceries (this included some creative soup can stacking because we bought SO much soup). Then I sat down at my computer to check my email and see what was going on in the Facebook world.  And somewhere between status updates and photos, my eyes filled up and I began to cry.  How odd after such a wonderful evening.  I feel so fulfilled in so many ways and lately I feel more like I did before we got pregnant with Grant.  Able to dream about our future children, thinking about what things will be like when I am a mom and looking forward to the day that we find out we are expecting again.  But every once in a while, I remember that things aren't the way I thought they would be, the way I wanted them to be, that my son is dead, and it makes me very sad.  The tear filled times are getting shorter and less frequent, but they still happen.  And that is ok.

Monday

When I woke up this morning I thought this would be another regular Monday.  Little did I know that I would soon find out that I had won a giveaway on a blog I read.  Winning is such a pleasant feeling.  That being said, I've been inspired and I'm going to come up with a good giveaway this week for my blog, I think that will be a great way to start off the year.  So stay tuned!  Ooh!  Is the suspense getting to you?  No?  Ok.

If you are wondering what I won and would like to also start reading that blog, it is: http://katiepegher.typepad.com/life-photos-scrapbooking/  She is the one that designed my baby foot/Grant necklace.