Grief is such a weird thing. I think I've stated that many times in the last 7 months. Yes, 7 months, I can't even believe it.
Tonight Josh and I did a warp speed shopping trip to the discount "grocery outlet" nearby, had dinner at my favorite local restaurant, went to Ollie's (another one of my favorite cheap places), and went to Home Depot to look at kitchen counters for the mini kitchen makeover we are planning. We had a great time. He always makes me laugh and tonight he was really doing a good job of it. We were in our little yellow jeep, which is such a good winter vehicle. It is so cozy inside and we get to sit so much closer than we do in our other vehicle. It was snowing and the roads weren't great, but I always feel so safe when he drives. It was a very satisfying evening.
We got home and unloaded the groceries (this included some creative soup can stacking because we bought SO much soup). Then I sat down at my computer to check my email and see what was going on in the Facebook world. And somewhere between status updates and photos, my eyes filled up and I began to cry. How odd after such a wonderful evening. I feel so fulfilled in so many ways and lately I feel more like I did before we got pregnant with Grant. Able to dream about our future children, thinking about what things will be like when I am a mom and looking forward to the day that we find out we are expecting again. But every once in a while, I remember that things aren't the way I thought they would be, the way I wanted them to be, that my son is dead, and it makes me very sad. The tear filled times are getting shorter and less frequent, but they still happen. And that is ok.
I agree---your unexpected emotions about Grant and not being in the place in life you had hoped for ARE OK....it means you are real, because emotions just don't erase themselves. And the fact that tears are juxtaposed with an evening of fun, laughter and thankfulness is LIFE----sounds like you are letting it all happen instead of stuffing it inside---I like that:)
ReplyDeleteI love you Cara! Truly, I do! *Hugs*
ReplyDeletethanks for sharing this...I've said this before and I'll say it again: I admire your 'realness'. I like what mom said about "emotions don't just erase themselves". I'm glad David didn't think so either b/c that would be a pretty big chunk of the Bible missing if he didn't express his emotions. Thanks for letting us in.
ReplyDeleteCara,
ReplyDeleteYou're blogs bless me so much. Your willingness to be open and real are so refreshing. I truly admire you! I don't know if I told you this before or not, but when Kurt and I were going through infertility I blogged too. I just did it privately and it was just for me to get my thoughts, fears, prayers, dreams, etc out. But thank you for sharing. You have an amazing talent to write beautifully that makes it possible to experience how you are feeling. I love you and pray for you often!
when i first had my miscarriage my mom kept trying to tell me that i would get pregnant again and not ever think about the miscarriage. that was way off.
ReplyDeletei found myself unexpectedly crying in the shower 8 months pregnant with the 2nd pregnancy because i was asked to write a birth plan but the only birth i could see was the one where the baby didn't make it.
or when people ask you the innocent question, "is this your first". every time i found myself pausing wondering what they mean exactly. 1st pregnancy, 1st child? society doesn't really have a place for miscarriage and most people don't handle it well so i would just say, "yes" and try not to think about it.
and every once and a while even now. i look at my son and wonder what the first one would have been like.
those feelings are real and they are there and they happen at seemingly random times. even though they still happen to me they do get few and further between.
hugs.
It will be 5 years since we buried Abigail and I still have good days and bad. Some days I can talk about her fine and other days I will burst into tears. They will always be our children whether they are here on Earth or in Heaven. I also knew I was called to be a mom. All I ever wanted to do when I grew up was be a mom. From the time I was a little girl, I always pictured being a mom. I loved every moment I was pregnant with Abigail (even the morning sickness which lasted all 26 weeks of my pregnancy). I remember when Abigail died I could think of nothing else but getting pregnant again. Not to "replace" Abigail, but because I knew I was meant to be a mother. My arms literally ached after Abigail died (found out later that it is a physical trait experienced by most moms that lose little ones). God has a big plan for us. I never expected I would be able to carry another one and God blessed me with two (within a year of one another). God is going to bless you, Cara! I know He will! You won't ever forget Grant because he will always be your son and your first born. Grieving for him remind you he is real and that you have the love of a mother (unconditional)
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