June 3

June 3.  A day that makes a lump rise up in my throat when I hear it said.  A day that I dread but long for in so many ways.  The day we held our first baby in our arms.  I try to hang on to every memory I have of that day, good and bad and am thankful when I can still recall the events of June 3, 2010.  June 3, a day to be brave. 

It's been 4 years since we held Grant for the first and only time.  So much has happened since that day.  And while that day and that baby boy will forever be a part of us, I'm so thankful that isn't all there is to our story.  I'm not just talking about the fact that we now have two beautiful children, although I'm thankful for them and they have brought so much joy to our home.  You see, June 3, 2010 was a turning point in my faith that required me to put into practice the faith I've professed since I was a little girl.  For me this was the conversion of just believing that God has everything under control to the practice and submission of knowing that only he can sustain me.  Let me not give the impression that this has been an easy process.  This acceptance that I'm not in control wasn't something that I embraced wholeheartedly on June 3.  It has been a continual laying down of my own plans, knowing that he has proved himself time and time again.  It was watching him make opportunities for conversations with friends and even strangers to share my story of loss and grief and hope.  It was trusting that God's timing was best despite my heartache each month when I hoped to be pregnant and found out yet again that I wasn't.  It was trusting that, just because our first baby died, that didn't have to be the way it went for other pregnancies (despite the timing being nearly the same).  I'm not in charge, but I know and trust The One who is.  While it isn't something I ever want to experience again, I will continue to mark June 3 as a day to be brave and remember my God's faithfulness.

Running in the Rain

About 6 weeks ago, I began something that I never thought I'd ever do.  I have hesitated to even share publicly that I was doing this because I figured it would be at that point that I would fall off the wagon and lose all discipline.  But here we go, I have been running, jogging really.  There, I said it.  When my friend approached me about training to do a 5k in the fall, I laughed and thought that was something I could never do.  I've never been a runner or an athlete for that matter.  The most running I've really ever done was the mandatory 4 laps around the track in high school.  The more I thought about her inquiry, the more I thought it would be neat to do this with my friend and 1 year after our babies were born be able to say that we completed a 5k.  So far she and I haven't done any training together (we're hoping to soon), but I've had the privilege of training with Josh and Isaac.  Josh has been a complete encouragement to me through this.  I am trying hard not to downplay what a big deal this is for me because I know for many people a 5k is not a big deal at all.

Today our training included running for 20 minutes with no stops and I was really intimidated by that.  When it came time to run this evening, it was raining off and on and was a bit chilly, so we opted to not bring Isaac along with us.  When we got to the trail, we talked a bit about where we were 2 years ago at that very time (I had just been induced and was about to endure the hardest thing I'd ever done) and marveled at the journey we've been on since that time.  As we ran, the rain picked up and soon it was pouring.  Normally, I'd probably be bitter to have to run  at all let alone run in the rain, but tonight it felt good and right.  I should stop to explain that the night before Grant was born it poured and stormed and it seemed so appropriate to us.  Josh encouraged me every step of the way and the soaking rain also served as an encouragement.  A teeny-tiny fawn crossed over the trail a few yards in front of us; then when we came out of the woods and reached the final turn of our run, we noticed that the sun was shining brightly, the rain had stopped, and there was a double rainbow in the sky.  It seemed so fitting and it was such a blessing to be reminded of God's promises.

I wanted to come up with the perfect thing for us to do this weekend to remember Grant and celebrate what his life has meant to us.  I never would've thought that this year, the most memorable thing I could do was take a run in the rain.

A Weekend to Remember and Celebrate

Tonight the lyrics to I Will Carry You by Selah run through my head.  This weekend marks the two year anniversary of when Grant was born.  It is interesting to be in such a different place this year.  I was pregnant with Isaac last year at this time and I wondered if the pain of remembering would be less sharp when I had a child in my home.  Time and God's grace have certainly dulled the pain of losing our baby, but I'm glad that time hasn't removed  the pain completely.  The pain reminds me of the love we have for him and the journey of faith that we took through such a hard time of our life.  We haven't decided yet how we are going to spend some time remembering and celebrating.  While I'd like to do something creative, I know that it can be something little and still be meaningful.  So as we go into the anniversary I want to remember, I want to feel, and I want to celebrate the work that God has done in allowing our baby's short life to change us and others for the better.

If you aren't familiar with our story, you can begin reading here to get caught up.

Good Intentions

I had the best intentions to write this post about three weeks ago, but other things have continued to come up.  Three weeks ago today, I finished my last day at my job.  Before I was done I had one last phone call to make to a woman in the program that I managed.  I had tried to get a hold of this woman once before earlier in the week and it seemed that we were playing some phone tag.  When I called her back, I almost expected that I'd have to leave another message and that she'd have to talk to someone else at my company if she called back the next day.  To my surprise, she answered.  I clarified a few things that had been miscommunicated to her by another person in the program and she was very vague when she explained that she had some things come up in life that had prevented her from giving her all to the program.  She didn't say what her life situation was but she added that because of a series of events she had been having a hard time and was actually very thankful for her internship with the program that helped her to keep her mind occupied.  I was able to share that I understood that things in life come up and that we understand that as a company as well.  I felt like I should share with her my experience of my boss and my company being so understanding of me after Grant died.  I didn't go into much detail, but I explained that I had lost my baby at 20 weeks pregnancy and that I was so thankful for my company being so understanding that things in life come up and that I was also so thankful for something to occupy my mind during that time.  She was very sincere when she thanked me for sharing.  She then opened up that the thing that had happened to her was that she had also lost a baby.  She seemed encouraged to know that I had been through a similar situation and that I now have a baby boy in my home.  It was a very cool conversation and I really feel like God blessed me with that conversation as my last phone conversation.  I love connecting with people and that program was one of my favorite parts of my job because of the opportunities that I had to make connections with the people in the program.  Each time I'm able to share even a snippet of my story, I feel like it is another way that I'm able to see how Grant's little life is still touching people.

Holy Smokes

I was just doing a bit of work, getting a few things done while all was quiet tonight, when reality hit me.  A week ago I let my boss know that I would be leaving the company I've been working for for five and a half years.  Last week, after lots of prayer and discussion back and forth on the pros and cons of me continuing to work and me quitting, Josh and I finally decided that I'd make the switch and quit my job.  This wasn't a decision that we came to easily.  When I was pregnant with Isaac last summer we had decided that I would quit working but in a twist of events, I ended up deciding to return after my maternity leave to work part time.  It was never my intention to take maternity leave and then ultimately decide to quit, however, I feel very much at peace about this decision.

So tonight after I had done some work, I was trying to think through tasks that I needed to wrap up so they could be passed on when it hit me that my time with my company was coming to an end.  With only 4 working days left, I'm finding myself much more nostalgic about my five and a half years working than I thought I would be.  I remember the day I went in for my interview, there are a lot of similarities between that girl and me, but I've changed so much since that day.  Honestly, I didn't expect to work there for more than six months (I'm not sure my coworkers expected that either).  In my time working there I grew professionally and personally.  I learned how to stick up for myself, how to be more confident, when to speak up, when to swallow my pride and just be kind, how to ask for help on projects, and how to believe in the quality of work that I do.  I also developed lasting memories and friendships with my coworkers.  So I am leaving a job that I never expected to love but really have loved to focus on my dream job.  I'm thankful for this chapter of my life that is quickly coming to a close and I'm looking forward to what this next chapter may bring.

Dream

So last week we went out to eat as a little family.  Up until about 2 weeks ago, each time we'd go out to eat, Isaac would sleep through the entire meal.  Now our little sleepy boy has become much more interested in all that is going on around him and he spends much of our time in a restaurant awake.  This particular night he was being such a good baby and he was giving me charming grins, nose wrinkles, and smiley eyes.  About a half an hour into the meal (and a half an hour into Isaac and I passing grins and coos back and forth), Josh asked me, "What is it like to have a dream and then be able to live that dream everyday?"  Being the smarty pants that I am I responded by saying something like, "I don't know, you tell me."  We chuckled and then I got misty (would you expect anything less?).  The answer is that it is the most amazing thing.  That sentence seems weak, but honestly I can't think of the words to describe how incredibly blessed I feel to be living this dream.  I have always wanted to be a mom and for so long that dream seemed so far away.  Then two years ago, when I found out that I was going to be a mom for the first time, it seemed that my dream was coming true.  I feel strongly that I have been a mom for two years, but I felt a void being a mom who didn't have a child to hold.  It is completely incredible to now be able to live this dream that was placed in my heart at a young age, and I don't want to take a single second for granted.

Happy baby at the restaurant.

Reality Check

I've rewritten this post a bunch of times because I just can't get the words right.  I still feel compelled to share though.  Today started out lovely, with an early lunch date with a new friend.  I am energized by interacting with people and especially with connecting with others one on one.  As the day went on, I allowed doubt and fear creep in and dominate a good third to half of my day (I'm not real good with math, so I'm not sure of the exact percentage).  I think it is so easy to get news that is out of the norm, not even bad news - and let my brain interpret it as the worst news I've ever heard.  I think that it is easy to miss the positive things that are being said when doubt and fear set in, and I momentarily forget the good and the blessings.  Today I did my share of being scared and feeling sorry for myself.  Even after Josh and I talked (it always helps me to talk and talk until I feel better) and my outlook was more positive, I still found myself feeling discouraged.  Then this evening, I was sitting on the couch holding one very tired baby who missed his long nap and I was all of the sudden overwhelmed by the blessings I've experienced in the last year.  Somewhere in between listening to his rhythmic breathing, smelling his sweet baby smell, and gazing on the most precious face that I've ever seen,  I was reminded that the things I tend to allow to defeat me are often very small in the scheme of things.  It also hit me that often when I'm encouraged by an interaction or when I just really feel that I've been able to be part of something that is bigger than myself, I often feel attacked later.  The moment was such a gift, that I took a picture.

A day to be thankful

I had a few moments to catch up on some blog reading and got a little inspired to also share a bit from my life.  Today is a chilly, rainy, drink hot chocolate and be thankful for the blessings in your life kind of day.  I just got home from lunch with Josh, my mom and the baby at my favorite local restaurant and when I pulled Isaac out of his car seat he was still snuggly and sleepy.  So I'm just sitting here on the couch listening to the music from a friend's blog and enjoying the occasional sound of Isaac's squeaky binky.  As I sit here, I'm reminded of the blessings of 2011 and how content I feel in this very moment.  I feel like so much of my life I've spent wanting the next thing that I often miss the here and now.  I may have written about that in the past actually.  In the past 12 weeks I've tried so hard to just soak up each moment because I know that my sweet dependent baby will soon be a toddler who doesn't need me the way he does now.

This little boy has already taught me so much in his 12 weeks with us.  I'm so thankful for him and am constantly amazed at how much I love him, it often brings tears to my eyes.  I feel so blessed to be Isaac's mommy and have the opportunity to love him and care for him.

He's Here!

Since the beginning of October, I've had big plans for several blog posts.  It is unfortunate that I can't easily transpose my thoughts into a post and must have the time to type them out to share them.  I wanted to write a post on October 4 about the magic of the last date Josh and I had together before we became parents of a child who lived in our home and was under our care.  We went on a date to one of our favorite restaurants and just enjoyed time together.  We got an appetizer and had delicious meals and (this will sound so cheesy but it is true) the light was coming in the windows at the restaurant in such a way that just made the whole evening seem magical.  I felt so satisfied with the 5 years of marriage that he and I have under our belts pre-children and there was an excitement in the evening knowing that the next day everything was going to change.

We slept for maybe a few hours that night, 4:00 am came bright and early on October 5.  We had to be at the hospital at 5:15 am so that I could be prepped for my c-section.  The baby had decided to stay in the breech position so a c-section had been planned.  I was nervous throughout the morning  but everyone was so nice and did their best to put my mind at ease.  At 8:06 am Isaac David was born weighing 8 lbs 14 oz and 21 inches long with a full head of hair.  My heartburn paid off!  :)

Perhaps in the coming weeks I'll share more details about the days after Isaac's birth.  These past 3 weeks have been amazing.  We may be a little sleepy but we are filled with joy over this little boy.  It is amazing to see Josh in the Daddy role, he is such a good dad and I'm loving my new job as Isaac's mom.

Out of the Blue

This morning I received an email from a dear friend that was a reply to an email conversation we had on February 16.  The first email was from me to her, in it I shared my heart, my fears, my struggles.  I was 6 weeks along in my pregnancy at the time.  

Her email today said:  "I've held on to this email and periodically glanced at it to pray and remind me of your journey through this pregnancy. Now that you are nearly at the end of one journey (and at the beginning of another) I wanted to remind you of it as well. Look at how God has brought you through. Remember how these struggles were big struggles for you at the time. I hope that it brings you peace in knowing that your current struggles will soon be of the past as well. Soon you will be bringing home a beautiful new life. It won't matter how he/she got here. Soon. I love you."

A few days ago, I had cried on the phone to her about the fear of the unknown and all of the things that had been filling my pregnant mind lately.  I'm so thankful for my sweet friend who took the time to look back with me to show me where I've been, where I struggled, and how God has proven himself faithful.  This is such an encouragement to me, now at 36 weeks, as I venture on into the unknown with my mind filled with questions of what might be.  

Maternity Photo Shoot

A few weeks ago, my dear friend Rachel (we went to college together) came to our house to do a maternity photo shoot.  It was an exciting day and I had way more fun than I would've ever imagined.  I also was surprised at the feeling I had during the shoot.  I remember a similar feeling when I was walking down the aisle at my wedding, a feeling like, oh my goodness this day, that I've dreamed about for so long, is finally here.  Not that I had dreamed about a maternity photo shoot forever, but with our journey over the last year and a half the moments to be celebrating what was to come and what is in my belly was a really surreal thing.

Here is a highlight video from our shoot.  Rachel did such a great job!





www.ra-photo.com

What a Journey

So in order to explain my thought process and how I ended up teary eyed looking through pictures on Facebook, I must admit a somewhat vain activity I was partaking in.  You see, I'm terribly tired today.  I'm not trying to complain, but my body hurts so badly and I think I saw more of the night last night than I saw of my eyelids.  My exhaustion made me wonder if 9 week pregnant Cara looked as tired as 34 week pregnant feels.  So I decided to look back through pictures I've posted on Facebook to see if I could tell.  I began flipping through my profile pictures to find the 9 week pregnant version of myself and ended up flipping through a few years worth of profile pictures (see this is where I feel vain for even admitting that I was essentially looking at pictures of myself).  There are a lot of old pictures there, but there are a lot of pictures from the last year. When I saw the ones that were taken after Grant was born, I got sad thinking about how much my heart hurt during that time, but so happy that, amidst the sadness, there was also a lot of true happiness.  Pictures of my brand new nephew (who is so big right now and rapidly approaching his first birthday), pictures of Josh and I on our fall decorated porch, pictures from my cousin Jenny's wedding, and pictures from Christmas (among others, I change my picture frequently).  So many happy things that happened while I was dealing with grief and so desperately wanting there to be life within me again.  Then I found the picture of Josh and I with our nephew August in the I'm going to be a Big Cousin shirt that I made him for our big reveal that we were expecting again.  The tears started again, what had seemed like such a long season of my life, was really a very short season and just like that things were different.

This last 34 weeks has actually gone by so quickly.  I'm amazed each day that there is a person growing in my belly and I'm so excited to meet this little guy or girl.  The the last weeks of pregnancy speeding by, I've been introduced to a new array of emotions, sheer excitement: that this dream, this prayer will be coming to be so quickly, extreme fear: I used to feel like I could be a mom no problem, but now I'm questioning my abilities, bittersweet feelings that this season of it just being Josh and me is coming to close while being excited to start this new chapter, and worry (I can't think of a better word, because it isn't obsessive worry, just curious, I don't know what to expect, will everything be ok worry) about how everything will go down and how this baby will arrive.  So, I'm holding on to the truth that I know that God has this under control, he knows what he is doing, and will give us what we need to flourish through another change of seasons in life.  I'd appreciate your prayers that we could just enjoy these last 6 (or less) weeks until the baby arrives and trust that what will be will be!

A Savory Week

For a few months we had planned to take this first week of August to take a driving vacation to NY, VT, NH, and ME.  We thought it would be great to spend the time winging it and just doing what we wanted instead of sticking to a detailed vacation schedule.  Well, Saturday rolled around and we realized that we both felt pretty strongly that we shouldn't take the trip.  There were several factors involved in the decision which really aren't important to the point I'm trying to make.  My biggest fear with cancelling our vacation plans and taking a staycation for a second year in a row was that we'd end up finding ourselves at the end of the week having not done anything of significance or having spent too many evenings on the couch with our computers.

On this Thursday evening, I have to say that our vacation has been nothing like that.  This has been one of the most fulfilling weeks of 2011 for me.  I've spent so much quality time with Josh and didn't even have to pack for a week of being away from my house.  In some ways I feel that this vacation has been one of the more rewarding vacations we've taken because it actually has been relaxing.  We went away for a night at the beginning of the week, ate at a Japanese steakhouse, went to Presque Isle to take in the lake and take a few pictures, went to the White Turkey drive in for lunch, got chocolate covered Oreos at Peggy Gray Candies, went for ice cream (a few times) stayed up late, slept in, went to The County Seat for breakfast, I helped my mom pick furniture, we went out to a movie and dinner, ate toast at home (yep, that has been the extent of my at home dining), lunch at the Pizza Shop, went to Benezette to see the elk (we saw 25!), saw a rattle snake, and ate at Luigi's.  It was at Luigi's that I had that feeling that I get every now and then, when I'm still and paying attention.  The feeling was total contentment.

There I was sitting across from the most handsome man in the world, enjoying good conversation, laughs, and delicious food and I was hit with a waive of contentment and a desire to hit pause so that I could savor the goodness of the moment, of the week, of the life I have with him.  Life is busy, work can be stressful, and things need to be done, but it so great to take time every now and then to unplug, disconnect and savor time with my love.  This week I've felt so cherished, so loved, and so important to Josh (not that he doesn't make me feel that way when life is busy), it has been great and I wouldn't trade it for any vacation to any fancy location.

Another Peek at Firepower

Today we had another ultrasound. The butterflies in my stomach still happen even now, though feeling the baby move while we waited helped to ease the butterflies. So, what did we find out? Our child has a large head, big surprise there considering mommy and daddy have sizeable noggins, but it is proportionate to the rest of it's body. We saw hair on the baby's head.  She couldn't tell if it has hair on the top of it's head but definitely has a band of it around the back of it's head.  :)  While we are 28 weeks today, the baby was measuring between 29-30 weeks. Estimated weight is 3 lbs 1 oz. Josh said that the screen said 3 lbs 1 oz give or take 7 oz. I have no idea what that means for when baby will arrive. I think it means that the baby will arrive when he or she wants to. After we left the hospital, I ran into the mall to pick up a few needed items and bought a Steelers sleeper. So cute! Below are pictures of little baby sweet cheeks. The lumpy things you see in front of it's face are sections of the umbilical cord. What a delightful day!

Responding vs. Reacting

Today I got an email at work that was just rude.  It wasn't directed at me personally, it was the reaction of a person who had been told no and didn't get their way.  So this person decided to spout off their frustration to a person they don't know (me) in the form of a rude email.  I wish that, at the time, I could have looked at this situation with the kind of reason and matter of factness (is that a word?) that I did in retelling the situation right now.  Unfortunately, my response was for my blood to boil and to get really upset.  It isn't fun to get any kind of communication that is addressed to you that then rips apart something you believe in or a policy that you've had to enforce. While I didn't stay upset about this for long, it certainly had a negative affect on me, the way I disrupted my coworkers by being upset about it, and on my husband since he was home and I had to tell him how I'd been wronged.
I think what can be dangerous for me in the way I respond is that there really isn't anything "wrong" with my reaction.  I don't write nasty emails back to the people blasting them for what they said to me.  I'm not rude in my responses to the person at all.  What I feel is wrong about the way I react is the way it changes my attitude, causes me to panic, and causes disruptions for the people in my life.
I don't want this to be my reaction.  I want to, in the moment, be able to be reasonable and not reactionary (like the sender).  I want to be able to brush these kind of things off so that they don't then go on to disrupt the way I do everything else in that day, hour, half an hour, etc and the way I interact with everyone around me that I care about in that day, hour, half an hour, etc.  Or I want to be able to give it time to sit so that I can reevaluate once I've had time to process.  It is my prayer that going forward I'll recognize rude for rude, respond professionally, and move on without letting those little things (and they are little) disrupt the peace.

The Sweet Things

Last night I ambitiously set my alarm for 6:00 am to get a head start on the day.  I then proceeded to play a game on my ipod until it died (probably around midnight or maybe later).  I know, not real smart or productive use of time.  So, this morning, when my alarm went off at 6:00 am I stumbled to find it and turned it off.  Then I rolled to my back for a minute or so only to feel some of the strongest kicks I've felt so far from Firepower.  I love that part of morning.  That time when you are sleepy enough to fall back asleep but awake enough to enjoy the wonderful feeling of the sheets.  I also love getting a connection time with the baby when I'm first waking up.  Josh came in to the bedroom to finish getting ready for work and I was able to somehow communicate to him to come feel the baby (he must understand my groggy morning language well).  Firepower cooperated and gave Josh a good show as well.  Sharing excited glances and laughing together about our little baby that neither of us know a thing about was the perfect start to my day.  Once the kicking backed off, Josh finished getting ready and headed out the door.  It would've been wise for me to get up at that point, but he tucked me all in and packed pillows around me so that I was so comfy, I hated to waste that, so I slept, until 7:40.  :)  If only all Mondays could start as magically.

Just the Two of Us

This month, Josh and I will celebrate our five year anniversary.  I can honestly say that I love him so much more today than I did five years ago (which is a good thing).  I thought I loved him a lot then, but now I really love him.  In five years we've done so much growing together and growing up. Each year I wonder what the next year will hold.  After the hardest year of all, we both feel that we are stronger and better for it.  I think we've also been given a gift in the last year.  Josh and I both say that having lost a child, really brought things into perspective for us.  Little things that would've turned into greater issues aren't big issues and I think we just love each other more as a result of going through life together.  He is just such a great man and I'm so proud to be his wife.  If you don't know him, I wish you did.

I've just felt so fulfilled in our relationship lately.  While I feel like I've failed as a wife in several areas (keeping up with the house, having forethought to plan out meals so we don't eat out as much, etc), Josh never makes me feel like I'm a failure.  He just helps out where he can and doesn't make a big deal about things that aren't important in the grand scheme of things.  I'm so in love with this little person that is growing in my belly, but in the past few days I've felt a little more like, WHAT THE HECK DID WE DO?!  THIS CHILD IS GOING TO DISRUPT OUR FREEDOM, OUR JUST THE TWO OF US, AND THE WAY WE DO THINGS SO WELL. Yes, just like that, a yelling sort of panic.  I broke down and explained my panicked feeling to Josh last night.  He knows my heart.  He knows I've wanted to be a mom forever and that those panicked feelings aren't my true feelings.  He pointed out to me that we have help and plenty of people (family and friends) who will be glad to watch the baby so that we can have us time and that we'll make changes to be a family of three and that will be special too.  I think these feelings are normal when you are on the cusp of change.  

It is a bittersweet thing to know that your life is about to change in a drastic but wonderful way.  I'm so glad that we've had five years together to establish us and really enjoy time as just the two of us, I'm sad to see that chapter close, but I'm excited to see what is in store for our little family of three

Feels Like Christmas...

My heart feels so full right now that I just felt I had to share.  I can't believe it is June 9.  I can't believe I'm 22 weeks along and feeling so much movement from Firepower.  (Seems funny to talk about your sweet little unborn child and call him/her Firepower).  Every time I feel movement I wonder who that little person is and what they'll be like.  So incredible to think about!  I keep thinking back to the way I was feeling this time last year and it is just so different.  I'm so very thankful for what God has done in the last year, what I've seen him doing in and around me in the last few weeks, and I just had to share.  It feels like Christmas inside of my heart (and for those of you who know me, that is a good way for me to be feeling).

Special

I've known that I've had a great sister-in-law since I married into the family.  Since I'm an only child and Josh only has one brother, I was thankful that I genuinely liked and then came to love Josh's brother's wife.  In the past year, my relationship with Sarah has gone from a really good sister-in-law relationship to fantastic and sister-like.  I got this message from Sarah via email late last night.  The letter made me cry and reminded me again how special she is to me.  I love you Sarah.

Dear Grant,

Nearly a year ago, you changed lives. Yes, I know it must seem so strange to you to think that you had such a huge part to play even though your little life was so short, but it's true. Your Mom and Dad are not the same people they were before your brief visit into this world, and they have, in turn, blessed others with the things you taught them. As I write this, I'm thinking about how amazing it is that you never knew what it means to feel pain, to feel sadness, to feel loss. I bet you're looking down wondering why we cry sometimes when we remember you. Well, it's pretty simple: we're sad that we missed out on getting to know you here on earth. But the thing is, life down here is hard, and it's pretty short when it all comes down to it. So I'm looking forward to spending time with you for all of eternity. I'm thinking that it's a good thing we're going to have a lot of time up there because there's a whole bunch of people who want to meet you. (Just remember, I'm your ONLY Aunt, so I should get some kind of priority). The cool thing is that I know you're having a good time up there with Jesus and all of the other babies. Even though I'm crying while I write this to you, these are partially tears of joy.  And so, Grant, I have to thank you for changing me, too.  I can't wait to meet you.

Lots of love,

Aunt Sarah

One year ago today

One year ago today, my life was changed in a way I'd never expected.  One year ago today, I couldn't see past the moment we were in.  One year ago today, my son was born but he wasn't alive.

I know that at the time I probably knew in my mind that everything would be ok (eventually) but my heart hurt so much.  When we arrived home from the hospital I was sad, partly numb, and didn't really know how things could ever be right again.  I remember talking to Josh about how I just wanted this to be in the past, not so fresh, not so stingy.  He reminded me that we would just take it one day at a time, he said, well today is day one, tomorrow will be day two, the next day will be day three, etc and it will get easier.

On that first day home (I went home late on the day he was born), I had no idea what the next year would hold. To recap, it held tears (lots and lots of them), talking and listening, bittersweet feelings at the birth of other children whom I love, disappointment, trust, hope, excitement, a deepened faith, growth, deeper connections, and a new life inside me.  I am absolutely amazed at what an impact Grant's short little life has had on Josh and me as a couple, our families, friends, and even strangers.  I'm thankful for his life, though it was short, it has had an impact.  I wouldn't have chosen this path.  I'm sad that I don't know my son, what his personality would be like, his laughter, his cry, etc, but I am thankful that I am able to tell people about him and how special he is.

One year ago today, I was changed.  I'm so glad for a year of intense growth, deeper relationships, and renewed hope.

Happy Birthday, my sweet Grant David.